September Literary Horoscopes
Words By Alyssa Jordan, Art By Joana Coccarelli
The Ram / Courageous, Adventurous, Independent / Domineering, Selfish, Arrogant
This month, you’ll have to fake it till you make it. Since you’re already kind of screwed—What? These tea leaves don’t lie—you could make the most of it and download that dating app. Apply to that job you’ve talked yourself out of, try that hobby you swore you’d never like. Do something adventurous.
Since you’re living up to your sign, I thought I’d live up to mine and bring you Halloween in September! (Don’cha just love me?)
- Arthur’s Invitation, by Shelby Van Pelt
- Teaser: “The ten-foot-tall animatronic zombie had appeared on Ms. Fisk’s lawn seemingly overnight. Arthur met the garish thing at dawn when he came out to retrieve the newspaper.”
The Bull / Loyal, Friendly, Resourceful / Self-Indulgent, Possessive, Greedy
It’s time to work it, Taurus! If there’s something special you’ve wanted to take on, now is the time to leap from that plank. You’ll be struck by a confidence boost in September, too, so don’t waste this time.
Let’s cap off the month with some truly stellar reading:
- In Cornwall, everyone knows a selkie story., by Christopher Lanyon
- Teaser: “Our fathers brag about common seals / that they are still in love with. / Dad talks about a girl / who ate her mackerel raw. / It flashed between her teeth / like rose quartz.”
The Twins / Intelligent, Adaptable, Creative / Moody, Opportunistic, Inconsistent
Don’t worry about any leftover negativity from August. You climbed those stress mountains like a pro. Even if your family hammers home some old issues, make sure you stay true to the course—i.e., your passions and beliefs—by being your creative, adaptable self.
Reward yourself with this enthralling story.
- At the End of the Tunnel, by Dana Diehl
- Teaser: “In the old days, men descended into the mines and picked at the walls for copper, for iron, for knuckle-sized nuggets of coal. They dug so deep that the air grew heavy and warm and then they dug deeper, following the veins of ore.”
The Crab / Honest, Generous, Faithful / Insecure, Needy, Crabby
This year might have felt like one long day, but the grind should only get to you for the first few weeks of fall. Keep your chin up and party hardy during that night out you have planned. (By night out, we mean social distance with the best of ‘em).
Remember: You’re awesome. You do you and you’ll be just fine. Oh, and don’t forget your monthly read!
- The night I met God in the drugstore, by Lindsey Heatherly
- Teaser: “I met God / at the aisle between / analgesics and wound care. / I was no longer in search / for healing, so I settled / for superficial repairs.”
The Lion / Cheery, Noble, Imaginative / Demanding, Boastful, Melodramatic
Virgo might have stolen the spotlight, but good news: it’s all downhill from here! (Whoops, that was supposed to be positive.) Anyway, avoid heart-to-hearts this month and try to focus on work. Your efforts won’t go unnoticed by the bossman/bosswoman.
In the meantime, this unique story is sure to pique your interest:
- first I will hate myself and then they will accept themself, by Blake Levario
- Teaser: “So I begin to empty the house in me. I open the front door of my body—slowly, because it’s 2:33 a.m. and cells are sleeping, or being happy, or transmitting data, or whatever—and start throwing things out.”
The Maiden / Practical, Diligent, Kind / Obsessive, Self-Righteous, Compulsive
Strut your stuff in September and ignore the haters. They’re just jealous of your file organizer and milky-gel pens (who isn’t, honestly). Besides, this month is all about you! Take the time to feed all your personal gremlins. And don’t forget to indulge in drinks, too—it’s pumpkin-spice season.
Speaking of indulgences, I handpicked this story just for you.
- Sitting on my patio sofa, a bright flash on a new moon night, cotton furry clouds stuck to her long, shimmery dress, my girlfriend from Venus threatens to disappear if I take her name, by Tara Isabel Zambrano
- Teaser: “In the parking lot she makes out with me, her perfume a shot of intergalactic scents, I can breathe in all night. We drive around in the dark, playing her favorite music, my truck with all the glitter looks like a traveling hip-hop band.”
The Scales / Compassionate, Trustworthy, Peacemaker / Disorganized, Materialistic, Indecisive
Don’t give in to the soap opera that is your life just yet. I know juicy gossip is tempting, but good things come to those who wait. Dive into the drama after the 16th and you’ll score most of your desires. Don’t pout—you’ll only get one measly thing if you leap now.
Distract yourself with this heartfelt and poignant read.
- While You’re Still Here, by Yasmine Jessy Amr
- Teaser: “I fold the piece of paper smoothly. even though it is stained and creased and ripped from one of your old notebooks. I keep it close… For now, you are here.”
The Scorpion / Purposeful, Charismatic, Cunning / Aggressive, Manipulative, Possessive
Whew, your crummy weather report is over! We’re at summer’s end, which means you can gleefully welcome the crisp notes of autumn. Last month was all about dodging a few landmines. Thankfully, September looks like a time of recovery and stability.
While you’re racking up rest days, check out your story pick for this month.
- Kafka’s Ghost, by Paul Negri
- Teaser: “A cough. He turned very carefully and looked at Sarah. She was sound asleep on her belly and breathing quietly. He lifted his head and listened and heard the cough again.”
The Archer / Straightforward, Optimistic, Adventurous / Careless, Impatient, Hotheaded
You might be cast in the role of peacekeeper for this year’s production of “Skype Birthday Dinners and Family Game Nights and Possibly-Future-Holiday-Parties.” This won’t come naturally to you, so just try your best and enjoy that spiked punch. (What? You could still make punch).
But first, open this awe-inspiring read.
- Of Amaranthine Fondness, by Angelina Marilyn Bok
- Teaser: “A toddler slouches in his pram, / fiddling with a galactic universe set. / Venus sits in another pram across him. / She notices his single dimple and points. / Mars looks up and catches her shimmering gaze and pink tutu dress.”
The Mountain Sea-Goat / Traditional, Responsible, Ambitious / Unforgiving, Blunt, Pessimistic
You might be feeling a little zombielike after the disaster that was August. You survived, you responsible goat, you, and now it’s time to treat yourself. Whether that means bath bombs, premium chocolate, or something in between, the start of autumn will be a time of indulgence.
Speaking of indulgences…
- Girls, by Emma K. Wang
- Teaser: “In the nineteenth-century Victorian house where the girls grew up, there were always at least seven ghosts.”
The Water-Bearer / Intellectual, Open-Minded, Outgoing / Unpredictable, Self-Conscious, Chaotic
Your ego might turn into Swiss cheese around the 10th of September. Don’t worry, though, Lady Luck will bring the cavalry at the height of the month (relief never tasted so sweet). In early September, spend your time with a few good friends.
And don’t worry: This compelling piece can help you through the roller-coaster month.
- Love Triangle, by Siobhan Mc Laughlin
- Teaser: “A slip and a slide all the way to the dusty / bottom again. The cutting definition of geometry, of love. / The alignment of same sides, the slope of wanting more, of / never being satisfied with the bottom line.”
The Fish / Charitable, Intuitive, Artistic / Timid, Impractical, Indolent
You entertained old relationships in August, so now it’s time to feed your intuitive, nature-loving spirit. Set aside some mental health days so you can reflect and mentally prepare yourself for holiday shenanigans. Try not to feel guilty, either! We all need downtime.
In the meantime, this striking CNF piece is waiting in your queue.
- The Ghost in This Story, by Cathy Ulrich
- Teaser: “Remember how your uncle didn’t see it coming, but his secretary did. Remember. Remember how your mother told you she tried to run.”