December Literary Horoscopes
Words By Alyssa Jordan, Art By Joana Coccarelli
The Ram / Courageous, Adventurous, Independent / Domineering, Selfish, Arrogant
November was all about indulgence. This month won’t be quite as satisfying, but it won’t have any Debbie Downers, either. Greet the end of the year and reflect on your goals for 2021. I might be biased, but I have a feeling that it will be your best year yet.
Start by digging into this offbeat and arresting read.
- Holiday of the Flies, by Erik Deckers
- Teaser: “Day 1. It started when someone forgot the cereal.”
The Bull / Loyal, Friendly, Resourceful / Self-Indulgent, Possessive, Greedy
A few health issues might make an appearance over the holiday season. Combat them with all the things you love, virtual style. Try a tea or coffee advent calendar. Buy some chocolates, go on a blind date with a book—Etsy has all the good ones!
Once you’re settled, immerse yourself in this heartbreaking, beautifully written story.
- Six Stages You Go Through After Your Best Friend Dies Two Weeks Before Her Wedding, by Candace Hartsuyker
- Teaser: “Don’t think about how you know things about your best friend that even her future husband doesn’t know, like how she got that scar on her foot and why she refused to watch any movie set in outer space.”
The Twins / Intelligent, Adaptable, Creative / Moody, Opportunistic, Inconsistent
Last month, you motored through all kinds of creative projects. Now, it’s time to feed your inner gremlin/holiday junkie/carnivorous houseplant. Set aside some nights so you can recharge and mentally prepare yourself for the wintry season. C’mon, you’ll be more productive if you rest up.
And don’t forget your stock pick:
- The Mundane Ghost, by David Wasserman
- Teaser: “Scott and I found the ghost in our attic. She was sitting in an old rocking chair my mother didn’t think matched the rest of our decor. I pulled on the light string.”
The Crab / Honest, Generous, Faithful / Insecure, Needy, Crabby
You might become a tad disappointed with your friends. Try to remember that they’re only human, and this year has been hard on everyone. The other areas of your life will be sprinkled with goodness. You might stumble into a new relationship come January, but let’s save that surprise for the New Year.
Lose yourself in this enthralling read.
- Thing From Your Memory, by Holden Wright
- Teaser: “The day I lost my mind, I stepped into my clip-in biking shoes, and sailed through the morning like a rock through a window, determined to bike to work despite the cold.”
The Lion / Cheery, Noble, Imaginative / Demanding, Boastful, Melodramatic
This month, you’re due for some oh-so-fun complications. Don’t fret, though; everything will clear up before you can say “Grandma got run over by a reindeer!” (Do kids still know about that song? No? I’ll see myself out). P.S. Your cheery nature will shine extra bright around the 19th.
Oh, and save this moving poem for when you need a treat.
- Call It Self Care, by Jessica Walsh
- Teaser: “Now I sit on her small couch, / at times a stranger to her, at other times another client, / only occasionally myself.”
The Maiden / Practical, Diligent, Kind / Obsessive, Self-Righteous, Compulsive
Treat chilly December as an opportunity to make up for lost time. You might prefer the burnt ends of summer, but when it comes to creative endeavors, the winter season could offer all kinds of inspiration for your angsty soul.
But first, this mesmerizing read:
- Heart’s Blood, by Jasmine Sawers
- Teaser: “She wears $45 lipstick called Heart’s Blood™ and leaves red blots on the linen napkins she makes me set out for her. She waxes her eyebrows away and then draws them back on in the shape of the Gateway Arch.”
The Scales / Compassionate, Trustworthy, Peacemaker / Disorganized, Materialistic, Indecisive
Oh Libra, I’m glad you made it through summer and fall. Now you can sprint into the holidays and party like it’s 1999. In your home. Virtually. Hey, at least there’s no shortage of wine! Don’t forget to hydrate and eat lots of bread. Bonus: You might just get a certain promotion at work (wink, wink).
In the meantime, check out your story pick for December.
- Barely Contained, by Janelle Bassett
- Teaser: “Those nights were not the beginning of a winning trajectory or the start of a big finish—they were the pinnacle of our spirits, the peak brightness of our light-shining hearts.”
The Scorpion / Purposeful, Charismatic, Cunning / Aggressive, Manipulative, Possessive
Guess what, Scorpio? Your November romance is still going strong! That’s an impressive feat to pull off during a pandemic. I would say don’t be a shrinking violet—your accomplishments this year were downright impressive—but that’s not a concern for charismatic folks like yourself! Mind you, I say that with love.
Before you strut your stuff, though, crack open this truly unique read.
- Land Dwellers, by Ashley Crout
- Teaser: “When you are inhabited by a geography, its waters – / the animal scent of the marsh, the brine-soak / of the ocean – rise into your mouth. You swallow.”
The Archer / Straightforward, Optimistic, Adventurous / Careless, Impatient, Hotheaded
It’s that time, my friend: Winter has finally come! Most nights, you’ll dream of snow and wake up giddy. Cackle from the rooftop. Sing in the shower. Get a little wild or a lot cozy. Channel all that energy into whatever you choose—it’s your month to shine, you lovely ball of sugar/spice/everything nice.
I have just the story pick for you, too.
- Edith’s Cedar Wood, by Jessica Evans
- Teaser: “Edith will continue to visit that patch of forest, looking for secrets in sunlight, shafts of whispered incantations hiding among the trees, decades of worship with her eyes closed.”
The Mountain Sea-Goat / Traditional, Responsible, Ambitious / Unforgiving, Blunt, Pessimistic
In December, your careful plans may go ass over tea kettle. It’s either that or you’re fated to run into a bee’s nest (What? These tea leaves can be hard to read.) If it helps, you’re supposed to get a reprieve around the 16th for some sweet, sweet relief.
This compelling story will distract you from wishy-washy December.
- Squidgate, by Ploi Pirapokin
- Teaser: “In month six of quarantine, I still feel a writhing squid in my throat when they call.”
The Water-Bearer / Intellectual, Open-Minded, Outgoing / Unpredictable, Self-Conscious, Chaotic
Good news, Aquarius: This month is sure to sparkle like a wintry wonderland. More good news: Your relationships are going to blossom now more than ever. Why, you might ask? Apparently, the cosmos rolled the dice in your favor!
When you’re not giving thanks to the heavens, check out this innovative story pick.
- Soothsayer, by Kaleb Tutt
- Teaser: “Thank you for calling, how may I be of assistance tonight? yes, I can tell you if he’s thinking about you (he is) and whether or not he’s going to call you (probably not tonight, though he should tomorrow), but I can’t tell you how to be happy without the knowledge that you crossed his mind while he washed the dust from his hair, the other parts of his day circling the shower drain.”
The Fish / Charitable, Intuitive, Artistic / Timid, Impractical, Indolent
November might have been pedal to the metal, but in December, you’ll be back to cruising speed. In fact, there’s no need to put on any airs this month. Wear those old robes and start a Netflix show or a garden-balcony-hobby. You deserve to start 2021 feeling rested and refreshed.
Your story pick is a stunner, too.
- Prismatic, by Kayla Eason
- Teaser: “Grace will keep every baby tooth in a tiny porcelain treasure chest. She will keep an inch of umbilical cord, dehydrated as a pressed rose.”