All Her Fault

It was all her fault. That’s what Alex had said, and he was right. Caitlin had gotten what she’d deserved. What did she expect? Alex had told her the postman lingered in his truck staring as she walked back to the house with a bundle of bills and a stack of circulars, his eyes glued to her jeans as her pockets moved up and down. Alex had warned her not to wear those jeans. Not for anyone but him.

“A married woman shouldn’t dress like that,” he had said. “Not in front of other men. Not for them.”

Then there was the cashier at the supermarket. Even though he was old enough to be her father, he’d had that look in his eye. That look, the one all men have. Alex saw it. Caitlin shouldn’t have worn her v-neck sweater. An invitation, Alex had called it. Come on, mister. Look at me. And when she bent over the counter to snatch up a stray quarter? Of course the man looked. Right down her sweater. Alex saw that too.

And what about at work? Alex had wanted to trust her there. That’s what he’d said. She couldn’t get into too much trouble as a kindergarten teacher. Could she? But then, when she was asked to represent the school at the state education conference, Alex wanted to know why. Caitlin was only twenty-four. She didn’t even have tenure. So why did the principal choose her? Did it have something to do with those pre-conference meetings in his office? Just the two of them. Caitlin and Mr. Schilling. Alone.

“What did you talk about?” Alex wanted to know. “I’m your husband, dammit! Tell me!”

“Reading readiness and study skills and…”

“‘And?’ And what?”

Caitlin couldn’t remember “and what.” Had her skirt ridden up over her knees that afternoon? Had she leaned too far over the printed schedule on Mr. Schilling’s desk?

And what about the time the janitor changed Caitlin’s flat tire in the school parking lot? That wasn’t a janitor’s job. Why did he do that?

“Why, Caitlin? Why?” Alex’s questions flew out of his mouth like angry bees.

Alex was right to be upset. To be angry. It was her own fault. Did she do it on purpose, or was it just her nature? Some sort of genetic trait like blue eyes or left-handedness? Caitlin didn’t know. Not that it mattered.

She pressed a shivery ice pack against her swollen cheek and looked down at the purplish yellow mark on her shoulder. She didn’t blame Alex. He was her husband. He loved her. Caitlin knew that it was all her fault.

All…her…fault.

Mute

I would like to drag the depths of your eyes
for words. I see them sometimes, darting sideways,
fleeing like hunted fish.
Such progress you’ve made since we found you—
a small lostling, a wolf-child, a fiend
eating crow’s wings in the forest.
Loud lungs. Wordless mouth.
To house you was difficult—ceilings scared you
but to gift you a name
(Marie, on a silver chain) gave me joy.

Now,
no longer kneeling to water, dancing ecstatic
over vanquished dogs.
Claws trimmed, hair neat, sharp stick set aside
and less of that shriek-speak. A blessing.
One word, Marie, a useful word perhaps?
The warning of wolves.
The promise of just-fallen fruit.
A texture—raw rabbit.
A scent—hay in winter.
A request.
One word.

Cognac and Courage

It was bottom-of-the-shelf cognac; every time Derek took a sip his tongue protruded out over his bottom lip as if he intended to wipe it off with his hand. He shoved the bottle against my chest. The finish was bitter and reminded me of suckling on a bar of soap but it was cheap and Derek had said it would do the job. We made our way past the apartment buildings which looked as though they were made out of a single slab of concrete. Working the night shift, I had past these parts before, always in the safe haven of public transit. The shadow cloaked figures loitering around the apartment buildings had always seemed to blur into the scenery of payphones and empty bus shelters, but now they shifted indiscriminately among the darkened entrances, cackling in harmony with the sound of glass exploding against the pavement. The glow of their cigarettes offered only enough light to discern the indentations of facial features. Their eyes were like pools of black ink but their heads swivelled slowly as if they were watching us.

“There’s the 32, come on,” I said in desperation. I quickened my strides toward a dilapidated bus shelter and looked back to urge Derek on.

He presented the bottle to me. “Nah. We gotta finish this.”

The bus eased up for a moment by the stop and groaned past. I shrunk back down beside Derek, and tried to ignore the dropping feeling in my stomach. Derek spoke in a boisterous voice that bounced off the apartment walls. I watched him as he raised the bottle to his lips, taking several swallows. He had walked this route before, and while he was not unaware of the danger, he was unaffected by it. His eyes calmly surveyed a few meters in front of him and he seemed to impose himself upon his environment. He was noticed, he was respected. Perhaps the shadows knew this; they didn’t approach. His overarching confidence enveloped my fear and the watchful shadows began to blur into the landscape as they had before. I took another swig from the bottle; the liquid flickered down my throat like a lit match and ignited warmly in my stomach.

Derek produced a tin Altoids box from his pocket and flipped the lid open. He picked a cigarette out and clamped his mouth around it with his lips folded inward, fished out a yellow transparent lighter, and held it to a buzzing street light as we passed underneath it. He let out a muffled grunt and shook the lighter as if it would change something. He flicked at the lighter behind his cupped hand three or four times and tossed it onto the road beside us. He tucked the cigarette behind his ear and kissed his teeth.

“I meant to get a new one.”

“Yeah,” I said, not knowing what else to say.

Derek looked down at me inquisitively, “Why you so shook of this place?”

I took another swig, and lowered my eyes. “Ah don’t know, I’ve just heard things I guess.” The words fell out of my mouth and oozed into one another.

“Ain’t nothing to be shook of unless someone give you something to be shook of,” he said emphatically. He frowned at me so the skin gathered in folds between his eyebrows. “I see you at school too, scootin yourself up against the wall so you don’t bump into nobody; that’s why they fuck with you. If I wasn’t with you tonight, someone would snatch you up, just cuz you look like an easy pick.” We had come to a stop and he was hunched over me now, swaying slightly from the booze. “But you know what you do, when you feel it? When you feel yourself gettin shook?” He grabbed me by my arm and pulled me in closer, speaking in a half whisper. “You make the first move, before they catch you all froze.” His eyes steadied on mine in silence for a moment as if he expected some sort of affirmation. I lowered my eyes from his and began to screw the cap back on the bottle.

He released my arm and slowly rose to an upright position as he surveyed the darkness. “I gotta piss,” he said. Unhinging his belt, he walked toward a tattered playground that had long since been used for its intended purposes and propped himself up against one of the pillars under the slide. I turned away from him and could hear the steady stream smack against the sand bellow him. “Hey, he got a light!” Derek craned his neck and torso awkwardly in my direction as his stream continued in a consistent pattering. He signalled to the far side of the park where a man sat on a bench with his elbows resting on his knees. The man pinched the flattened remnants of a blunt between his pinky finger and thumb, lighting it and waving it out after each draw. I shoved the bottle into my inside pocket and walked toward him cautiously. As I neared, a thick earthy smell filled my nostrils. The billowing smoke filled the hood of his parka and filtered out through the ratty fur that decorated its outer edge. I leaned over and spoke into the hood as if I were speaking into an intercom.

“Hey,” I said louder than was needed; I lowered my voice. “’Scuse me, my friend and I were wondering if we could use your lighter.” He flicked at the lighter again and waved the blunt through the flame. He tilted his head back and looked down on it as if he were wearing a pair of bifocals. His bottom lip protruded out over his top lip and he ran his tongue along the exposed lip, creating a white froth that collected in the corners of his mouth. He took another draw and inhaled deeply before slowly letting the smoke seep out from his mouth and nose. He finally glanced up as he flicked at the lighter again.

“You needs a light, huh?”

“If we could”, I said politely.

“You could,” he said rising to his feet, “but I can’t be wasting all my butane for nothing.” His voice was so raspy I felt as though I needed to clear my own throat. He took a cigarette package out of his back pocket and carefully dropped the extinguished blunt inside.

“You can bum a cigarette if you want,” I suggested timidly. He stared down at my feet with a dazed expression as he struggled to return the cigarette packet to his back pocket. He closed his hand around the lighter.

“Nahh, nahh, I don’t smoke,” He shifted his weight from side to side; “I walk, though.” He stared at me intently and took a step toward me; my stomach leapt up to my chest and my heart beat against my breast bone rapidly. He licked his lips again, “How bout you gimme them boots,” he said as he tapped one of his chewed shoes against the steal toe of my left boot. I nervously balled my right hand into a fist and searched his face for a place to strike. I decided on his right cheek just under his eye and I felt my nails dig into the palm of my hand as I tightened my fist. He grabbed me by the collar and nearly head butted me as he pulled me in closer.

“You retarded or something?” His voice seemed to rumble deep in his chest.

Suddenly Derek’s voice shot through the air, “Ay yo! My man! What the fuck is up?” His grip loosened and fell from my collar as he peered over my shoulder. Derek stepped in between us and tucked me behind him with one hand. The man spoke again; his voice rumbled up from his chest and grinded through his throat.

“This your boy?” He asked as he signaled over Derek’s shoulder.

“He’s somebody to me, that’s all the fuck you need to know,” Derek shot back. The man shifted his weight to one side and peaked out from behind Derek’s massive frame.

He twisted his mouth and his lazy eyes surveyed me from under his lowered brow before returning his gaze to Derek, “Well, your somebody be disrespeckin me, and I don’t be taken kindly to disrespeck.”

Derek took a step closer. “Well, we gon’ change that today,” Derek said as his massive hands curled into even bigger fists at each side. The man stepped back from Derek and his face collapsed into a crooked smile.

“Aight dude,” he raised his hands in surrender and spoke in a higher pitch. “You got me, young blood, you win, I ain’t mean nothing by it mang, a fella’s gotta eat out here, ya know? That’s all this was, nothing personal.” The smile fell from his face, as he leaned to one side again. He ran his tongue along the front of his teeth and narrowed his eyes at me as if I were too small to see. “But you lucky you somebody’s boy,” the smile appeared again as he returned his attention to Derek, “cuz if you hadn’t brought your refrigerator lookin ass round—”

“You got us a light or what?” Derek interrupted sharply.

His smile dissipated once again as he lowered his eyes and patted at his pocket, “Yeah, yeah, somewhere here.” He produced the lighter and flicked at it a few times. “There you go, boy,” he said mockingly as he tossed the lighter to me, “you can keep that.” I caught the lighter and stared at him with a soured look. “Your somebody need to learn some manners,” he sneered. With that he turned and sauntered away.

Derek watched him intently for a few steps as he slipped a cigarette between his lips and lit it. “Come on, let’s go,” Derek said dully out of the corner of his mouth. I took a final look back; the man had returned to his slumped position on the bench. The shadows masked his face but I could swear he was staring at me with that same cocky smile, mocking me. I stared back, my face twitching with anger. I took a swig from the bottle and held it in my mouth for several seconds. “Come man,” Derek urged on. I swallowed and inhaled the vapour in my mouth as I continued to stare into his darkened hood. Derek’s hand slapped down heavily on my shoulder, “Kev man, let’s go.”

I shrugged his hand off my shoulder without turning to him. “I would have done it, you know? I would have hit him.”

“Man, you trippin off that shit I told you earlier? About making the first move?” I said nothing. “Man, I talk a lot of shit, that ain’t you man.”

“Yeah, well, maybe it needs to start being me,” I said as I continued to stare into the man’s darkened hood. Derek studied my face for a moment and looked out into the direction I was staring.

“Nah man, that ain’t you, cuz that don’t need to be you.” He grabbed my arm and spun me around to face him and he spoke in a half whisper as his eyes widened, “You got what you need man, right up here,” he tapped his index finger against his temple. “I’m telling you man, one of these days—”.

“What?” I interrupted as I pulled my arm free, “I’m going to be some pimped out CEO or a doctor or a Harvard lawyer? Like you said, you talk a whole lot of shit.” The words flew from my mouth with little formulation. “One of these days, wait and see,” I said mocking Derek’s deep voice. “When have you ever waited for anything?” I poked at his chest bravely, “you act, you don’t wait for shit and that’s what people respect.”

Derek grabbed me by the collar and pulled me in close. “So what you wanna do, Kev? You wanna go fight someone?” He loosened his grip and his hands fell away. “Go ahead.” He stretched his arms out in surrender. “Start with me.” He smacked at his face with a massive hand. “Hit me, right here, who knows, maybe someone’s watching.”

I shook my head as I shoved past him. “You’re such a dick,” I said boldly.

He followed closely and the deep bass of his voice filled my ears. “Exactly, you ain’t gon do it, cuz that ain’t you.” He grabbed me by the arm, tightened his grip nearly to the bone and spun me around again, but his voice softened. “Let me tell you something, Kev. Respect these fools got for me out here, don’t mean shit. Where am I gon’ take it? Where am I gon’ cash it in? Outside this place, it ain’t nothing but fool’s gold, man.” He gently took the bottle from my hand, unscrewed the cap and took a swig before offering the bottle back to me, “and I got enough fool’s gold for the both of us.” I took the bottle from his hand as he winced and bared his teeth as he swallowed. “This shit just don’t let up. We getting some premium shit next time.” With that he walked on ahead and I followed closely behind him, the same as before.

“Kevin, hide that shit!” Without questioning I shoved the bottle into my inside pocket. A police cruiser crept out of the plaza we were passing with its headlights off. The glow of the dashboard computer cut through the shadows and illuminated the bottom half of the officers’ faces, revealing two smirks.

“Don’t look at em,” Derek whispered. Suddenly we were engulfed in the light of the squad car’s high beams. A symphony of profanities escaped our mouths as the light harassed our retinas. Just as our eyes began to adjust the light dissipated, leaving us once again with the glow of the dashboard and this time, two toothy grins. We stared into the police car with bewilderment. “What the hell are these guys doing?” I asked.

“Fucking wit’ us,” Derek said as he grabbed me by the collar. “Let’s go,” he yelled as he shoved me on ahead. The squad car slowly rolled onto the sidewalk in front of Derek. As he passed, a siren pierced the air; I jumped, while Derek seemed to expect it. He turned and raised his hand toward the squad car as if he were shooing away a small animal. The siren was abruptly silenced mid-scream and finally the driver’s side door opened followed, by the passenger’s side. “Be cool, don’t do shit, don’t say shit,” Derek said in a loud whisper. Both officers stepped out simultaneously. The passenger’s lips were pursed tightly, as if he would explode with laughter at any moment. The driver was chewing a piece of gum, sloshing it from side to side, his whole face twitching with every chomp. He was the first to speak.

“Hello boys, what are we up to this fine evening?” He placed his hands on his belt and sauntered passed Derek, looking him up and down while he chewed on his gum rapidly. He strutted over to me and stood uncomfortably close. His now gaping mouth emitted the smell of stale coffee directly into my nostrils; the gum lay ineffectual and grey on his tongue. “Doing a little drinking tonight, boys?” Each question was met with our silence as expected. “Where is it?” He said, addressing me directly. I peered over the officer’s shoulder at Derek, he shook his head. “Come on now, I watched you tuck it away somewhere.”

“You ain’t seen shit!” Derek interceded. Without turning his face from mine the driver snapped his fingers in the direction of his partner. The passenger started suddenly as if he were daydreaming and recovered dismally.

“What did you say, boy?” His voice was shrill and ineffective. He was much younger than the mouth breather and much shorter than all three of us. He scurried over to Derek and disappeared behind his athletic frame. My attention was once again commanded by the chomping, twitching face before me.

“Come on now, do I have to find it myself?” He pulled his baton from his belt dramatically as if he were unsheathing a sword and rhythmically tapped the bottle concealed in my coat with a padded clunk. “What do we have here?” I had barely got hold of the neck when the officer snatched it from my hand and held it above his head. He squinted at it as if he were reading the fine print on the label and slowly dropped it down to eye level, unscrewed the cap and took a swig.

“Tastes like piss,” He said in a gruff voice. He laughed boisterously and shoved the bottle against my chest. “Tell you what, you can keep it,” he said as he slapped at my upper back. He sauntered over to Derek and waved his partner away with a flick of a few fingers; he sunk back beside the cruiser and began fidgeting with his belt. “How ’bout you?” The mouth breather asked as he looked Derek up and down. “Got anything better than that panther piss you two been drinking?” Derek’s eyes seemed to darken and his lips curled into a scowl.

“Eat shit,” Derek said.

The officer smiled victoriously, “Come on now, I know you have something for me,” he said softly. Derek stared back into his eyes intensely. He circled Derek, scraping his heals against the pavement and kicking up particles of glass with each step. “Do I have to go looking for it, or are we going to save us some time and offer something up?” He asked as he circled back in front of Derek. Derek raised his chin and looked down at him in defiance. “Suit yourself,” he said as he unsheathed his baton once again. “Now, let’s see, is there anything in HERE?” Derek grunted and lurched forward in pain as the officer stabbed the baton into his lower ribs. Derek’s chest seemed to expand as he rose again to his towering position. “Or how about here?” the officer lunged the baton again, but this time Derek caught it first with one hand and then clamped down with the other slowly raising it to eye level. The baton shook as the officer attempted to regain control.

“Freeze!” The passenger’s shrill voice cut through the air. He stood in a wide stance beside the cruiser and his shaking gun shifted up and down between kill and injure. Derek’s grip loosened and the officer ripped the baton from his hands. He held it tightly with two hands like a spear and quickly jabbed it into Derek’s midsection. Derek fell to one knee, gasping for air, “You’re lucky you don’t have a bullet in that pea-brain of yours,” the officer said breathily as he looked down on Derek with disgust. He shoved Derek onto his stomach and pressed a knee into his back, patting at his pockets. He located the Altoids box.

“Well, look what we have here,” he flipped it open and fished through the box with an index finger. He snapped it shut, “I’ll tell you what, I’m going to let you off with this small token of your gratitude,” he leaned in closer. “But the next time you pull a stunt like that, I’ll let my rookie here pop his cherry.” He chuckled to himself and tapped the altoids box against the back of Derek’s head. Rising to his feet he turned to me, grinning from ear to ear, “Y’all have a good night now.” He signalled his lackey back into the cruiser and soon they reversed slowly around the corner from where they once came.

I cradled the bottle in my hand. I hadn’t moved an inch. Derek sat on the floor, facing away from me, his whole body heaving with anger. I crept closer. His hands were curled into giant fists, with veins that seemed like roots spidering up to tree-trunk-like knuckles.

“Derek,” I called softly, “you okay, man?” There was little change; his breathing became more rapid. I carefully offered a hand, then withdrew before making contact with his shoulder.

“Come on man, we should go.” I offered my hand once again; his shoulder bucked wildly as my hand made contact and he exploded to his feet. His massive frame seemed to cave in on me as he towered over me and he craned his neck so that his forehead nearly touched the top of my head. “What the fuck did I tell you? I told you to be cool.” I hung my head low and rotated the bottle in my hands nervously.

“I did,” I said coyly.

“How the fuck was that cool? You know why that dude tried to rob you? You know why that pig came at you first?” He left no time to respond. “Cuz that God-damned look you get on your face, soft as shit. And you know what that look gets us? A whole lot of motherfuckers fucking with us.”

“What was I supposed to do?” I pleaded.

“I ain’t asking you to do shit. Just whatever fucking look you choose to put on that smooth-as-a-baby’s-ass face of yours, turn it upside down, reverse it, do something. Cuz it ain’t a coincidence that every time you’re around I gotta be dealing with some bullshit.” He snatched the bottle from my hand, unscrewed the cap and furiously scrubbed at the top end with his shirt. “Dirty-ass motherfucking pig.” After a few more furious scrubs paired with objectionable phrases he raised the bottle to his lips and tilted it back slowly.

“Wait!” I lunged forward and knocked the bottle out of his mouth with a clink.

“God damn Kev, what the fuck?”

“There’s something in the bottle,” I said, breathing heavily. I grabbed the bottle from Derek who was now sliding his fingers along the bottom row of his teeth. I fastened the cap and tilted it upside down. A gray misshapen mass bobbed to the surface and swirled around in a foaming of saliva. “It’s his gum,” I said dejectedly. Derek spit on the ground.

“Motherfuckers! Hiding behind a God damn badge and they think they something?” He paced back and forth and the veins in his neck bulged. “I’d love to catch ’em off duty, see if they something then.” Derek suddenly stopped pacing, and directed his attention back to me studying my face. “And look at you man, that same God damned look on your face. You ain’t even upset, huh?” He crouched slightly as if he were about to take a picture. “Nahh, not even a little. Someone could piss in your face and you’d still have that fucking look on your face.” He straightened up and nodded at the bottle. “Go ahead, take a sip. Tell me what flavour it is.”

I exhaled heavily through my nose. “Come on man, you’re drunk, let’s go.” Derek stepped in front of me and jabbed his index finger inches from my face.

“Nah, I ain’t going nowhere with you, till you wipe that god damned look off your face.” I attempted to side step him but once again he intercepted me, this time shoving me backward with a giant hand.

“Derek, what the fuck is your problem?”

“That look in your eye, that’s my fucking problem.”

I clenched the bottle in my hand tightly. “Derek, get the fuck out of my way, man.”

He pointed a finger inches from my face once again. “See, your eyes, they don’t say what you say.” I squeezed at the bottle in my hand and it felt as though the glass would collapse into shards. Derek punched at his palm, “You say you want respect? You got to wipe that fucking look off your face.”

The cruiser crept out of another entrance behind Derek and idled. Derek slipped out of focus. The driver sat lopsided with his forearm spilling out of the window. His face bathed in the streetlight above, revealed his cocky smirk, twitching as he chomped on a fresh piece of gum. He watched us, his eyes full of glee. The glass ached against my bony fingers as I tightened my grip. Derek’s voice continued to fill my ears as I glared at the driver.

“Why you think they fuck with you man? Cuz you small? Cuz you’ve never fought nobody?” The officer turned to his partner and back toward us, his cocky smirk replaced with a gaping smile, laughing at us, laughing at me. “Nahh, man,” Derek jabbed two fingers against my forehead with each syllable. “It’s. That. God. Damned. Look—.”

I threw a forearm up and knocked his hand from my face before he could finish. He studied my face curiously as it twitched and shook with anger. I felt heat rush to my cheeks and forehead, mixing with the numbness of intoxication. He leaned in close.

“There it is,” Derek said in a belittling tone. “That’s a good look.”

The cruiser revved behind him as the bottle trembled in my hand. I raised the bottle up to waist level and held it steadily now.

“Man what the fuck is you doing?” Derek asked with no regard for his grammar. I held it tight and steady and stared over his shoulder at the cruiser as the driver’s side window slowly closed. The tint blackened the officer’s face but I could vividly imagine that smirk smeared across it. Derek stretched out his hand.

“Come on man, you ain’t gonna do anything with that man, that ain’t you, Kev.” The cruiser rolled onto the sidewalk now.

“Don’t tell me who the fuck I am,” I shot back.

He leaned in close. “So now you wanna get mad huh? Where the fuck was this when we needed it?” He yelled as he beat against his chest with his fist. “When I was taking ass whoopins for you my whole God damned life. Where was it then, huh? All I do is step out in front of shit for you, and now you gon’ act like you steppin to me?” He took two fingers and jabbed it against my collar bone, “Then do it. Crack that shit over my head.” He grabbed me by the collar. “Do it, right here,” he said, slapping his palm against his forehead.

Tension filled my entire body as I alternated my gaze between Derek and the cruiser. He waited a moment. His pupils almost seemed to shake as he surveyed my face.

“That’s right, you ain’t gon do shit,” he framed my face with his open hands with each syllable, “cuz that ain’t—.” Before he could finish the tension seemed to leap out of my body. I threw my head upward and toward Derek, connecting with the bottom of his chin. Derek stumbled backward, the squad car peeled out with a screech toward us. My ears were filled with the sound of the squad cars acceleration. Raising the bottle over my head by its neck I hurled it in the direction of the squad car. The bottle seemed to flip through the air in a speed that was unnaturally slow. The bottle met with the driver’s side window with an explosion of glass. The cruiser veered off the road, barreled over the curb and was brought to a stop by a cement hydro pole only a few feet away from where we were standing. The driver’s head hung on his neck crookedly as blood trickled down the side of his face. My gaze alternated between the streams of blood and the thick brown oozing of cognac down the driver’s side door.

Derek shook me by the shoulders, screaming something. I saw in his eyes something that I had never seen in all the years I had known him. He was frightened. I had done something he could never have done. The blood collected on the driver’s chin and fell in neat little droplets on the sheet-white airbag, and the cognac continued to ooze past the blue and red stripes of the cruiser. Derek ceased shaking me now. The muffled echo of his voice slowly faded away and was replaced by the faint calling of sirens in the distance. The cognac, like the blood, now dripped thickly onto the sidewalk below and soon, I could feel that it was just me, alone.

The Last Drop

drip

drip
drip

The dripping has persisted for hours
I remain still, lying here on my back

drip

I try not to think of the sound

drip

drip
drip

Visions of past distract me from my present
running through the field
not sure if I chase or am being chased

drip

joining in with her giggling

She isn’t giggling anymore
not since I’ve been here

drip

she thinks I don’t know
but I can hear, I feel her ache
all I hear is crying

drip

drip

drip

I lie still, I’ve given up movement
and that dripping is driving me mad

drip

but I suppose I shouldn’t complain
I’m here
Though I do wish this box was a little bigger.

drip

Reincarnation

I once had great wings
Now I don’t have such things
I slither to my next location
In a cruel population
I once could see
Now I often flee
I once saw the world from heights
Now I can only attack at night
I used to eat what I now am
Life is a cruel sham

Wouldn’t It Be Marvell-esque

Look at you lovely reader,
shying away from me
as I attempt to write for you.
I know,
you’ve had a poem or two
before and have learned
to take your time
with a writer before committing.
You want to test me,
get to know my style,
my words, before you allow me
the pleasure
of exposing you
to my body
of work.

And had we page enough, and line,
I would smile as my advances
were met with your retreats.
We would go on long walks
through lush spring meadows
as I sang my stanzas for you,
whisper delicate metaphors in your ear
beneath a blanket of shade from an old oak,
stare into your eyes
through a hundred sonnets,
a thousand lines,
infinite words.

But the sand in Time’s
oppressive hourglass
is ever diminishing,
as are my similes.
Forever will end too soon,
my hand will begin to ache,
Your keen eyes will fog up,
and something good may come on TV.
Time will toll on the poems,
As pages tatter, ink fades,
until nothing is left
for us.

But if we act now,
resonate passionately
through these few lines,
we could laugh in the face
of a daunting eternity.
We could even forego these very lines;
If you are near me,
in the vicinity,
cast aside this writing,
kick off your shoes,
run to me
and then
we could get to something
that is truly
poetic.

How I Know the Piano Seduces Me

I want a different answer
So I’ll ask her once again.
But the piano is no mirror;

I’ll not see myself in her.
I’ll proclaim love for my sleek black friend,
But still I want a different answer

From her rumbling chords, her
Ripped open ends—
I know the piano won’t be my mirror.

She trembles under my fingers,
How long have I been sitting here? How long has it been?
I want a different answer,

And what I want is to hear
Her claim me again,
But she is no mirror

And it’s unfair to see her
For anything but what she’s been:
I want a different answer,
But the piano is no mirror.

A House on a Hill

There sits a sad house on top of a hill.
It sits miserable and separate.
Everything inside the house is still,
But the walls are lonely and desperate.
They remember the glow of light blue paint,
The pleasant weight of cherished picture frames.
But the memory of life has grown faint,
Haunted by faces with forgotten names.
When the dust settles, and the air is clear,
When the stars are out, and the moon is round,
The house laments all that it had held dear,
And its sorrow makes a pitiful sound.
A hill, a house, and walls once painted blue,
Abandoned, and the house, the walls, they knew.

Back to Nothing

I tossed a scoop of the powdered cream into the pitch-black coffee. My dim reflection warped before disappearing. It twisted like smoke, turning the French roast an inoffensive light brown like it always does. I took my first sip of the coffee—too hot. I folded the burnt tip of my tongue over itself and watched the surly Filipino cook grunt his way through a ham and cheese omelet. Returning from another table, my waitress, whose nametag read Linda, stuck a slip of paper above the grill. She was almost painfully attractive, with porcelain skin and curves beneath her form-fitting dress that haunted me every time I drank my morning coffee.

Lewis and I had plenty of laughs daring each other to ask her out, or failing that, to slap her ass, seize her in a passionate embrace, propose to her on the spot. For all our talk, neither of us ever dared to make a move, though I know I brooded over my desperate crush often enough.

Now, I didn’t spare a single second on her. I thought only of Lewis. Or rather, the lack of Lewis. One week before, to the day or maybe to the hour, Lewis had vanished before my eyes. Not like how a magician vanishes, more like how money in the bank vanishes. Really vanishes.

He’d been a little off for a couple weeks. It was almost like he was physically decaying, getting thinner and dirtier and more desperate in his eyes. In behavior, he was the same old Lewis except for his hyperactive need to scan his surroundings and an occasional harsh outburst. I didn’t have the nerve to ask about the change, so I just ignored it all.

When it happened, we were talking about coffee. There was nothing else to talk about, so we felt compelled to fill the silence. Lewis could rant on any topic and make it interesting. At the time, he was railing on a lack of quality coffee while ceaselessly picking apart a blueberry muffin he had no intention of eating

“‘Taster’s Choice,’ they say. These must be some pretty fucking indiscriminate tasters,” he barked. “Are they part-time tasters? Do they get paid for tasting? What’s the criteria to become a taster—a PhD or take an oath?”

“They must get bribed.”

“Exactly. You think some lowly taster is going to challenge the Nestle corporation if he decides, ‘hey, this coffee tastes like shit’? Or some Columbian grower is going to have a press conference to say they aren’t actually using his coffee beans?”

“Maybe a courageous grower,” I offered.

“No. No is the correct answer. There’s no check on their power or their lies, so they could sell dirt as grounds and rabbit shit as beans and call it the best thing you’ll ever drink.” Lewis slammed a hand on the table, his way of adding punctuation, and sat back, confident his point had been made. Linda sauntered over and began collecting dishes. She didn’t speak then, but just sighed as she reached over us. Lewis sucked down the rest of his coffee as quick as he could, down to the grounds that escaped the filter.

“Could I get another cup?” he asked. She didn’t pay him any mind though. She just turned and took the few dishes she had back into the kitchen.

Lewis stared after her leaving, looking down at the table and quietly cursing at no one. The diner was deserted save for us and the wait staff, who were keeping busy in the kitchen.

I was watching the foot traffic outside when I noticed Lewis’s expression had changed and his body seized up. A strand of drool pooled on his bottom lip before landing on the table. His face was empty, expect for the eyes. There was fear behind them. He didn’t move and neither did I. I chuckled, confused, and looked around to see if I was missing something. I asked something useless but he didn’t respond.

I looked down at the table, where his hands lay flat, eager to escape his unrelenting stare—I’ve never been good with eye contact. I could see the skin all along his arms turning white, like the color disappeared before the rest of him did. It started at his hands. His fingers, I noticed, had turned translucent, showing the checkered-red-and-white of the gaudy tablecloth beneath them. I tried to blink it away and moved my mouth stupidly so that I might say something useful. I slid my hand across the table to where his hand once was. Gone now.

The hallucinatory phenomenon of transparency, of total disappearance, spread outward from his fingers. Crept up his arms and along his chest and didn’t stop until it had consumed him whole. We were both silent, his face still frozen. His torso disappeared but for the fluorescent lighting that bounced off it and the shadow that darkened the linoleum booth behind him. His head was the last thing to go—his eyes, it seemed to me, but maybe that’s because I was staring into them the whole time. Eye contact wasn’t quite so painful all of a sudden.

An adult contemporary song played faint over the speakers. Otherwise, there was silence.

It must have lasted ten seconds, but every second stretched to hours. There were no thoughts abuzz in my head, no concerns for my appearance, no self-imposed pressures to fill the silence. Only my eyes and his, nothing else, in Lewis’s last moments on Earth. Or in this dimension, or in this universe, or in this time. Hell, I don’t know. His last moments in some form or another.

He left me staring at the crack where red linoleum met creamy drywall where he once was. I remember that square foot of wall and those seconds of immovability better than I remember my first sexual experience, my first day of school, my first kiss, even the look on my father’s face the last time I saw him.

No one else saw. The waitresses blundered on in insufferable ignorance. Linda returned, ending my trance, and asked if I wanted anything else. “No.”

His coffee cup was still there, the weak Peruvian blend swirling slowly to a stop. He had been stirring it mindlessly only seconds before. Linda swooped it up along with the plate that had held his beloved blueberry muffin. I had to say something.

“Excuse me,” I managed. “Did you happen to see my friend leave?”

She gave me a curious look, probably the longest she’s ever looked at me. “I don’t remember you being with someone, sir. I’m sorry.” She returned to the kitchen. I watched as she threw the dishes into the industrial sink, pouring out the coffee and dissolving the artificial blueberries he left behind.


I haven’t been to work since that day. I sat through a typical day, but I couldn’t take another typical day after that. My mind roamed wildly through possibilities as I went through the script for calls, assuring dissatisfied customers I sympathized with them plenty, but was unable to do anything.

“Let me speak to your supervisor,” a hefty-sounding woman said. But I was lost, weighing the possibility of alien abduction again. “Are you still there?”

“Yes, I’m still here,” I lied.

I promised myself I wouldn’t return to the library this morning. I had spent most of the subsequent waking hours poring over research books and sifting through the internet on a computer that operated at a snail’s pace. I needed to busy myself with other things. Go to a movie, play a sport, go hiking—No, not hiking. Too much time alone to think.

Realistically though, I knew I would be back at the infernal gothic building come tonight, searching through periodicals in vain until closing time when I’d hide in the men’s room stalls to stay undetected for the night.

I ended up at home last night, somehow. I remember leafing through a hefty volume on Kierkegaard and watching a blond slink by in a skimpy tank top. Then a stretch of foggy darkness where memories should have been—the longest one yet. I came to standing at the door of my apartment, which I’d left to rot for who knows how long. A dozen notes were taped to the door, one on top of the other, each complaining about the smell. I opened the door, and after that, I couldn’t blame them. Chaos, the natural state, was reclaiming its 500 square feet. The overwhelming odors from the dishes left in the sink and the compost in the trash bin made the air thick. I managed some sleep despite it all but found the bed too soft and woke up with my back killing me. I stared up from the bed for an hour or more, insisting to the blank walls and stucco ceilings of my apartment that I wouldn’t return to the diner or the library again. They didn’t buy it for one second. More likely I wouldn’t return to the damned apartment, now a foul-smelling relic from another life. I didn’t go for Linda anymore—I had come to loathe the sight of the waitress whose modest beauty once entranced me. I went now for myself and for Lewis, for some shred of hope that drifted further from reach each second that passed without hearing Lewis rant on and on.

The books and online articles started out relatively concrete. From the Wikipedia article on spontaneous combustion, to books attempting to shed light on history’s most mysterious disappearances, to endless literature on abductions and cover-ups. And down, down, down the rabbit hole. I’m surprisingly well-versed on philosophical history by this point, but little good it does me. Aristotelianism, cynicism, objectivism, utilitarianism, existentialism, postmodernism—useless trash for my purposes, unless I needed kindling to start a fire. I read one book by Kant that had no ending. The last ten pages or so were ripped out—some kind of sick joke, I guess. It tortured me to no end until I became convinced that those ten pages had the end-all, be-all answer. The universe itself, I imagined, was the one playing the joke.

I never considered how few friends Lewis and I had in common until he was gone. I had no way of contacting his family or friends. He was self-employed, some daring modern artist, pushing the extremes of what can be aesthetically beautiful or some shit like that. I never asked to see his art because I didn’t want to lie to him, say it was beautiful and that I understood his intent. His other friends were the same, artists of his ilk that would find me intolerably passé. Our friendship was self-contained to the diner. The bastard didn’t believe in social media even, pretentiously condemning it as the new opiate of the masses.

There was no one to contact. I considered calling the city pigs, or taking the L train to his neighborhood to start knocking on doors—hundreds upon hundreds of doors.

I realized only after his disappearance how little I really knew about Lewis. He struck me as a lively extrovert with little use for routine or silence or passivity or conflicting opinions—everything I was not. Maybe that was simply the self he projected for my sake, while his artsy friends knew him as a shy, tortured soul.

How little I knew, how little I know, how little I will ever know.

Linda approached the table, the cook a few steps behind her—probably the first time I’d seen him away from the grill. Linda’s false smile didn’t flicker across her face like usual. She stopped at my table’s edge, the cook practically growling behind her.

“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave,” she mumbled delicately, wringing her hands. “You’re scaring the other customers.”

I was scaring customers? They should have been more worried about the ogre sweating and shedding into their omelets, or about the possibility that they too might fade from existence like the man none of them remembered. But sure enough, every pair of eyes populating the silver-rimmed tables was squarely on me. I checked myself in the adjacent windows, but they were too smudged to make out any reflection.

I needed to escape this diner anyway, I decided. It reeked of Lewis. Then again, I felt reckless.

I turned my face back to her and snarled, “Make me.”


The joke’s on them, I thought as I rubbed my sore ass, bruised after landing on the cracked pavement. I didn’t pay for my coffee, nor could I have paid if they’d let me stay—my accounts are all overdrawn as of yesterday. One too many cups of coffee and one too many packs of cigarettes. My wallet is little more than a useless lump of bovine skin in my pocket now. Same for my cell phone which powered down after idling a few nights in the library.

I hopped on the M train west, back to my apartment. I stood the first half of the ride, and distracted myself by trying to stand steady without the help of the steel poles.

In the dark tunnels between stops, I spotted my dim reflection looking back at me over the heads of businessmen burying their noses in pulp novels. I understood then why they booted me from the diner so unceremoniously. Matted hair hung past my cracked eyes to my sunken cheeks, and each article of clothing threatened to fall from my withering frame of a body. My reflection looked lonely, so I tried to imagine Lewis’s next to mine. It flickered in and out of existence, but I couldn’t will it for longer than a millisecond, even in my imagination.

A third of the passengers got off at a stop. I took the open seat farthest from the other passengers and avoided my reflection like a Gorgon. I looked at my fingers. They smelled like stale metal, with city soot embedded in the curves of my palms and dried ink deep beneath my fingernails.

My thoughts circled back to Lewis. I was so god damned sick of thinking about Lewis, every second of every hour of every day. I had no solace in sleep. I dreamt of him constantly, telling me reassuring things or terrifying things or morphing into a fleshy monster. His words would vanish with him each time I awoke.

I pondered the possibility that I was insane—that Lewis had never existed. I was a pitiful man, I reflected, the exact kind of isolated, insomniac wacko to concoct a glamorous companion to fill those long hours spent in a miserable all-night diner waiting for the sun to rise. Not the most comforting idea, but I tried to talk myself down. I had heard Lewis, felt Lewis, seen Lewis, even smelt Lewis. Hadn’t I? It seemed lazy, like some contrived twist ending to a bad movie. If I was truly crazy, what suddenly ended my lengthy delusion called Lewis? I turned the thought over in my mind for five stops or so, but I couldn’t accept it as a real answer. Like so many other possibilities, I abandoned it. Another one on the pile—a possibility but one that just didn’t feel quite right.

And like that, nothing was left. I’d exhausted every option—alien abduction, spontaneous combustion, enlightenment, kidnapping, teleportation, holograms, aurora borealis, existential dilemma, solar flares, poison, invisibility cloaks, self-actualization, black magic, possession, paranormal activity, and now my own insanity. Deep down, I knew each could be true. I could stumble upon irrefutable proof that any one was true, but I still wouldn’t be satisfied. A simple answer wouldn’t make it all better.

The train came to a busy stop and it flooded full of people, but I kept my feet where they were, propped up on the seat next to me to keep anyone from getting to close. One dark businessman paid no mind. He looked straight through me and went to sit down on the seat just the same. I snatched my feet away at the last second, growling at his obliviousness. Still, he didn’t notice me, no matter how hard I stared at the side of his aging face. I wanted desperately for him to acknowledge me somehow. He wouldn’t.

I looked back down at my grimy hands as the train lurched into motion. I looked at them a long time. In fact, time sped around me, unstoppable. I didn’t care. My stop came and went. I was still staring down at my hands, but I didn’t focus on the soot between the grooves, but the intricacies of the fleshy grooves themselves. These hands could blend in with the subway seats behind them at any moment and for any reason. Or for no reason. Maybe then I would join Lewis wherever he was. I alternately flexed and relaxed fingers, skin tightening and loosening around bone and muscle beneath.

My hands enthralled me in some bizarre way. I felt the thousands of blood cells coursing through purple capillaries. I felt muscles dyed red with blood. I felt layer upon layer of skin protecting it all from malicious atoms that I could feel, even see bouncing against the outermost layer of skin. Every part of it made of living things ruled by function and habit, each believing it acts alone, and all of them a part of me, likewise surrounded by more and more of the living. And all of us stretched on and on beyond this planet, beyond this galaxy, into an infinite nothingness, itself another enormous living being inside another infinite nothingness, like a Russian nesting doll that never ended. Even that being would die to feed new budding cells that might one day join together to create a new being, still somehow the same. And on and on and on, all in these hands. For a moment, I saw the spotted tile behind my fingers as the flesh faded.

The bus screeched to a stop and a lanky dark-skinned man came on board. He held a stack of flyers above his head. “Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen! I am truly sorry for disturbing you, but I am not asking for charity! Rather I’m…”

A homeless man with leather skin took the seat across from me as the train lurched back into motion. He gave me a steely look and nodded his head once. I sucked up some saliva that had started running down my chin and turned my eyes back down to my hands—paler than usual but as solid as ever.

I stayed on the train until it reached the end of the line and turned back around, the whole time staring down at my hands and trying to will back that feeling that had overcome for just a moment, but it had gone too. So I got off at the downtown stop, the one closest to both my apartment and the library.

Of Stars and Satellites

It was a satellite that Peter saw in the sky that night. Peter was a bright kid, so it wasn’t difficult for him to make the connection. The story was all over the news, and while most other ten-year-olds he knew would never waste their time with such boring grown-up stuff, let alone understand what was being broadcast, Peter followed the commentary with perfect apprehension.

The satellite had an acronym for a name and embodied a culmination in scientific progress. It orbited the planet at incredible speed, thousands of miles from the Earth’s surface, its reflection visible to the naked eye and yet indistinguishable amongst its neighbors in the night sky. From this perspective, it provided scientists back on Earth a better understanding of gravity, a force, like time, recognizable solely by its influence.

However, after years of dedicated service to mankind, the satellite’s battery had simply run out, reducing it to a 2,000 pound hunk of space debris. It took three weeks for the satellite to fall out of orbit and re-enter the Earth’s atmosphere, where its sheer speed set the air around it ablaze. Ignited, it scorched a trail across the night sky, exploding finally into a million shards of radiance, as brilliant in death as it was in conception.

The night Peter saw the light in the sky, he was sitting in the back seat of the car. His dad had one hand on the steering wheel and the other on Peter’s mom’s pregnant belly. Peter was worried because his dad was driving way too fast, and his mom was crying. They were rushing to the hospital, so Peter knew something was wrong. For all his questions, his dad would give the same response, “It’s too early.” Despite being considered mature for his age, Peter wasn’t quite sure what that meant.

So, when Peter saw the sudden streak of brightness cut across the dark horizon, he thought it was a shooting star. Any ten-year-old, no matter how smart, in the same situation as Peter found himself, would make a wish, and that’s what Peter did. He wished with all his heart and knew, somehow, that the light he had seen came from a place that could grant it.

Sitting in the hospital room days later, Peter watched the news. It didn’t escape him that what he thought was a star actually wasn’t. It was something man-made, constructed of metal and microchips. Sitting beside his newborn sister, Peter came to a deeper appreciation of gravity’s effect on weight, and waiting. As an old man, Peter will tell this story to his grandchildren—how he had witnessed the death of one thing and the birth of another on the same night. He will tell them why each time he glimpses a shooting star, he imagines it to be a falling satellite, but never fails to make a wish.

Tommy

When Thomas first met Tommy he didn’t immediately recognise himself: Tommy was the spitting image of Thomas at age nine. But at forty-five, Thomas had largely forgotten what his little mug looked like all those years ago. So it was that the adult and the young boy stood staring at each other for a while.

Disbelief was quickly followed by indignation, then anger. Had they still been alive, he’d sue them. But both his parents had died just one week ago; which was the reason why he had found himself in a solicitor’s office, back in that vapid village he had always detested so much.

‘Strawberry or orange?’

The solicitor offered Thomas two thin sticks that looked like lollipops. Thomas chose the strawberry one and put it in his mouth. After sucking on it for ten seconds he handed it back to the woman. She switched on a rectangular device the size of a pencil box and clicked the ersatz lollipop in its place. A minute later the DNA reader confirmed Thomas’s identity, while his personal data flashed onto a screen on the woman’s desk.

‘Right then,’ she said, then fell silent again. She quickly read through the information, her thin lips moving with the words in a quiet murmur.

‘It says here you’re single. Is that still up-to-date?’

‘Correct,’ Thomas said.

‘No Level One relationship?’

‘No. I recently invested in a sexbot. That’s all.’

‘Can it diversify?’

‘Afraid not. Couldn’t afford those.’

With one finger the woman tapped the screen in swift, light movements. She then returned her attention to Thomas.

‘I’ll be brief,’ she said and straightened herself. ‘Your parents have made it conditional that, were you to accept the inheritance, you must agree to look after Tommy for ten consecutive years. You have of course the right to decline.’

Thomas had to contain himself. Twenty-eight years had passed since he had left his parents and that backwater of theirs. And all that time they hadn’t found anything better to do than having a clone of him created without his knowledge! What on earth had they been thinking?

‘Is this legal? I mean, how about copyright? I never consented to any of this!’

The solicitor sighed and steepled her manicured fingers. Thomas felt all she was interested in was to enforce a solution for Tommy. But he found the idea of caring for a child-replica of himself rather creepy.

‘A potential breach of copyright doesn’t necessarily nullify the terms of the inheritance. The government takes a pragmatic approach on such matters. Once a copy has been made, it cannot simply be undone.’

‘Well, obviously not.’

He desperately needed the money. The news of his parents’ death had come out of the blue. Thomas’s last memory of his father was that of a pettish, dull man who had never made it past deputy-chief of the local drone mail service and who was prone to bursts of shouting. All the while, his mother’s strategy for keeping peace in the house consisted of nothing but a blind obsession about appearances and proper family life. How unjust then, that it had to be people like them who should hit the jackpot. Thirteen years of playing the same lottery numbers every Monday, the solicitor had said. Luckily they hadn’t blown their entire fortune. Thomas speculated they simply had lacked the imagination for it.

He, on the other hand, had never been in short supply of imagination. Ever since he had entered his early teens, he had begun to suspect he was an adopted child. How else could it be explained? That violent need inside him to prove his mettle: it felt as if every single gene of his being was custom-made to oppose the unbearably banal world of his parents. Back then, Thomas had not been able to corroborate his adoption theory. But before he had reached young adulthood, the idea had lodged itself into his mind like a mollusc on an underwater reef where reality and reason hardly ever ventured.

So when he had run off at seventeen, Thomas had vowed to shed his fraudulent past. Game over.

Thomas noticed how the solicitor became restive. She seemed eager to settle the matter.

‘Will any of the money go to Tommy when he reaches the age of consent?’ he asked.

‘I’m not sure I’m with you on this, Mr. Deutsch,’ the solicitor responded with raised eyebrows. ‘In the unlikely event that anything would be bequeathed to Tommy, then, of course, it would pass onto his owner.’

It was Thomas’s turn to raise his eyebrows. ‘His owner? Well, looking at it in purely DNA terms, I guess that’s how you could call me, yes.’

The solicitor now leaned back into her swivel chair. A bemused smile shaped her lips. ‘Mr. Deutsch…’

‘Please call me Thomas.’

‘Very well. Thomas,’ she said. ‘Tommy is not a clone. He’s a bot. A Schlesinger, fifth generation.’

Thomas had been quick to sign. A simple bot. What was the big deal? There had been some small print about a bot treatment policy he’d have to adhere to, and an annual evaluation interview and some other nonsense. All fine to him if it meant he could cash in on the inheritance.

Thomas’s career as a 3D printing artist had been stalled for the past two decades into a situation where to make ends meet became tougher by the year. His increasingly abstract creations had never managed to strike a chord with the public at large. It was the price Thomas had to pay for his pigheaded pursuit of an almost mythical purity in the arts. But now, with a generous injection of money, he reckoned he might be able to buy his way into that insular world of 3D printing where anything that could not be worn or sold got commonly dismissed.

So it was that Thomas returned home an official parent of a childbot. One thing he found puzzling was why his parents had wanted him to look after the thing in the first place. Had they deemed the investment too big to write off in their lifetimes? At last, something about them that intrigued him. Typical, he thought, that they must achieve this only after their death.

Within days, Thomas’s delight for his perceived stroke of luck dissipated like gun smoke. He discovered that Tommy was equipped with a transmitter that signalled the little boy’s mood levels directly to the manufacturer’s database. If they fell below a certain value, a report was sent to the solicitor, who had the power to suspend the inheritance payments; they were remitted incrementally and conditional on Tommy’s mood reaching that value. Thomas cursed aloud. He should have read the small print properly.

Before long Thomas began thinking of his childbot as a bratbot. No wonder these Schlesingers were so expensive, he mused; they had been conceived with literally everything in mind, from irrational tantrums to bedwetting and all sorts of nasty accidents. Tommy could even fall ill and self-activate a fully recyclable vomit vessel. Why, for God’s sake, would any self-respecting person invest his money in that?

‘Where’re we going, daddy?’ Tommy asked.

‘I told you before, don’t call me daddy. Call me Thomas, all right?’

‘But why, daddy?’

‘Because I say so.’

‘Why do you say so, daddy?’

‘Stop nagging, okay?’

‘Where’re we going, daddy?’

Thomas sighed. He thought of the monthly payments. Three more instalments and he’d be able to afford himself a new app for Wendy, his sexbot. He knew exactly what he wanted.

‘We’re going to see Uncle Bob, okay? Now shut up.’

Half an hour later Thomas and Tommy found themselves seated in a fast food restaurant.

‘That him?’ the man opposite them asked. He was chomping a synthetic meat burger.

Thomas nodded.

‘Hi, Uncle Bob!’ Tommy said.

‘That’s a Schlesinger, man,’ the hacker said. ‘Fifth generation.’

‘Hi, Uncle Bob!’ Tommy repeated.

‘I know, but can you break into it?’ Thomas asked.

‘Without the manufacturer finding out?’

‘Hi, Uncle Bob!’

‘Well, yes, obviously,’ Thomas replied.

‘Hi, Uncle Bob!’

‘I’d have to get into their databases and work from there. How much can you afford?’

‘Whatever you had in mind.’

The hacker seemed to think this over.

‘Hi, Uncle Bob!’

‘Oh, for Christ sake, say something to him.’

‘Hi, you little shit,’ the man said to Tommy. Then he turned back to Thomas. ‘All right, we’ve got a deal.’

On their way home Thomas was all smiles. Soon, he mused, his financial troubles would be over. But when he opened the door to his house an unpleasant surprise awaited him. A bulky package had been delivered to his attention.

‘Eve’s Apple Industries,’ he read aloud from the label.

The partnerbot! It had completely slipped his mind. That had been another condition of the inheritance agreement. In the event Thomas were not to find himself in a matrimonial or civil partnership at the time of Tommy’s adoption, a partnerbot would have to be leased for the duration of Tommy’s presence. The solicitor had even mentioned she’d order one on his behalf, but in the euphoria of his financial windfall Thomas had brushed it aside as irrelevant.

He inspected the kit with apprehension. If this one too came with a transmitter, his problem would only increase. Thomas cursed between his teeth. He must give it to them, he thought. Even when dead they still got their way; his parents had always wanted him to be married. Not that he hadn’t been open to the idea – but with a financial straightjacket like his, he had no access to those women of quality he hankered for. His last partner of five years ago, Dai-tai, had left him with the accusation that he made her feel inadequate. Yet, all he did was to strive for perfection. If people couldn’t live with that, then that was their problem.

Thomas turned to Tommy who stood beside him, quietly humming to himself.

‘Shall we unpack mummy then?’ he tried in his friendliest voice, fully aware of Tommy’s mood receptors.

‘Yeaaaah!’

An hour later, Cecilia was assembled and activated.

‘Hello, mummy!’ Tommy said.

‘Hello, child,’ Cecilia responded. ‘Hello, partner,’ she added and smiled at Thomas. ‘Please tell me your names and how you would like me to address you.’

Fortunately, Cecilia turned out to be a skilled cook. For the first time in many years, Thomas looked forward to his dinners. Recently, Cecilia had even dished up his favourite grub from childhood. Coincidence? Later he would find out that Tommy had talked to her. Only then did Thomas realise that Tommy must have stored information about him picked up from his parents.

Although Tommy was several generations older than Cecilia, Thomas soon found out the little bot was the more sophisticated of the two. For example, Tommy had food and liquid reservoirs and a complex system of internal canals that mimicked the human digestion system. So at mealtimes it would be just Thomas and Tommy crunching away while Cecilia would invariably invoke the excuse that she had to watch her figure. It suited Thomas just fine as it allowed him to save on provisions.

As far as looks were concerned, Cecilia was neither pretty nor ugly. She was just plain. Wendy, Thomas’s sexbot, was an older model compared to brand new Cecilia, yet he always turned to her whenever he needed to satisfy his carnal desires. Under the terms of the agreement he was allowed to keep Wendy as long as she didn’t come into contact with either Cecilia or Tommy. So Thomas kept her hidden in the second bedroom behind locked doors. Not that he minded it very much, as he wouldn’t want Wendy to pass on a virus to Cecilia, especially since she was equipped with a lesbian app. Still, at times it made him feel as if he were some kind of twenty-second century Bluebeard. Therefore Thomas would let Wendy wander around the house whenever both Cecilia and Tommy were out. Occasionally they might even have a romp in the kitchen.

After two weeks without news from the hacker, Thomas called him again. This time the man sounded much less confident.

‘I’ve got into some of his secondary systems but not the motherware. We’re talking about one of the country’s largest bot manufacturers. Security is top notch.’

But when the hacker began demanding advance payments, Thomas knew he wasn’t making much progress, if any. He eventually conceded to reimburse him for his efforts and then never heard of him again.

That same day the solicitor called him.

‘It’s just a friendly reminder,’ Thomas heard her speak in a tone that didn’t sound friendly at all. According to the terms of the agreement, she explained, he had severely under-performed.

‘Should your performance remain below standard, I shall be legally obliged to suspend the monthly payments.’

‘It’s all very new to me,’ Thomas defended himself, but even to him it didn’t sound convincing. ‘Could you give me some pointers?’ he asked. He hoped his question would make him appear of good faith.

‘According to the Schlesinger analysis sheets, you’re low on communication and very low on affection. You also seem to burden Tommy with a lot of menial tasks.’

‘Just the regular stuff any parent would expect from his children.’

‘Clearing out your septic tank by hand?’

‘He’s got the perfect size for it.’

‘There are professionals for that with proper equipment.’

‘They’re not exactly cheap.’

‘Mr. Deutsch, with your monthly inheritance stipend, that is hardly an excuse. I shall be expecting progress or else the agreement will have to be annulled.’

After the call Thomas sank into his easy chair. This whole thing wasn’t going according to plan. On top of everything, Wendy had to be brought in for servicing and he hadn’t had a chance yet to smuggle her out of the flat. He was so desperate he seriously contemplated trying sex with Cecilia.

‘Daddy, I want to play football with you in the park!’

Tommy had sneaked up on him and the childish voice made him jump. His immediate reaction was to tell Tommy to bugger off but luckily he managed to contain himself. An inappropriate outburst would downgrade his performance level even more. Thomas decided some outdoor air would probably do him good, and kicking a ball around the park might keep that testosterone in check.

The fair weather had tempted many people to come out and the park was buzzing with energy. After ten minutes chasing a ball, Thomas started wheezing. He should be more active more often, he realised. Despite himself his thoughts drifted to the moments he’d been playing football with his own father. Those memories now felt from another era, and ever since then, Thomas had spared no effort trying to erase them from his mind.

The ball rolled his way and he gave it an angry kick, sending it flying right through the makeshift goal posts.

‘Time’s up, we’re going home,’ he announced and made ready to leave.

Reluctantly, Tommy went off to fetch the ball and then silently followed Thomas out of the park. After a while, he said, ‘Dad always let me win.’

‘I told you many times, stop calling me dad.’

‘No, you’re not dad. You’re daddy. Dad has gone. So has mum. I miss dad. He told me I could become a great footballer.’

Thomas ignored him but couldn’t help himself veering back to his own childhood. His dad had told him too he could become great at football. In fact, he had told him he could become great at anything. If he had been so keen then why had he never achieved anything himself, Thomas thought. It only showed to him how much bull the old man had been selling. No bloody sense of reality.

‘Just like dad himself used to be,’ Tommy continued.

Thomas glanced at him.

‘Huh? Used to be what?’ Then he shrugged and mumbled, ‘What does it matter anyway…’

‘A great footballer. Dad used to be famous.’

‘Huh? Famous? Him? In that shithole of a village of his maybe.’

‘Dad used to be on national TV. Until the accident happened.’

‘Him on TV? Accident?’

Thomas dug into his memory but none of this came up. How come he didn’t know anything about it, he wondered.

When they arrived back home Cecilia greeted them from within the kitchen. She was busy cutting vegetables.

‘Hello, sex machine! Hello, Tommy!’

‘Hi, mummy!’

Thomas ignored her. When he had first activated Cecilia he had programmed her to call him sex machine, more out of an attempt at sarcasm than anything else, but now it just sounded silly and he was bored of it. He should change it.

‘What’s for dinner?’

‘Fresh vegetable soup and synthetic salmon with wholemeal rice and modified broccoli.’

‘Mummy, I don’t like fish!’ Tommy moaned.

‘It’s healthy, my sweetheart. It’s yummy and good for those little brain cells of yours.’

‘Jeez, you just sound like my mother,’ Thomas said.

‘It’s healthy for you too, sex machine.’

‘Stop calling me sex machine.’

‘Yes, partner.’

‘And don’t call me partner either.’

‘Yes, aardvark.’

‘What?’

‘Yes, aardvark.’

‘Why on earth are you calling me aardvark?’

‘You instructed me to stop calling you sex machine and partner, aardvark.’

Thomas realised Cecilia must be going through all of the words in her internal dictionary by default, starting from the beginning. Not very sophisticated, this Cecilia, but then, she’s not a Schlesinger.

‘All right, call me…,’ he hesitated.

What the hell, why not?

‘Call me honey.’

‘Yes, honey.’

Towards the end of that first year, Thomas reached a crossroads. On the one hand, he felt there were a few influential art critics who started to notice him. Even if that was mainly thanks to the lavish lifestyle the monthly payments allowed him to live, he didn’t care any longer. One or two endorsements could still elevate him into belated fame. On the other hand, nine more years of cohabiting with a child- and partnerbot was not something to look forward to. But public recognition was the one thing he had always craved and now, at long last, he had it in sight. How could he forfeit this unique chance?

Then, a few days before Tommy was due to see the solicitor for his first annual interview, Thomas took him ice skating on the lake. Other kids had come out too and Tommy seemed to be having good fun. Yet somehow, on the way home, Tommy’s mood flipped, like a coin tossed into the air, with no indication as to who or what might have been the cause. Prodding Tommy into talking about it only seemed to make matters worse. Thomas was nervous – a lot was going to be at stake at the interview.

‘That was great, wasn’t it?’ Thomas tried carefully.

‘Hm.’ Tommy’s face remained blank.

‘Hey matey, shall we do that again some time?’

Tommy gave a mute shrug and looked away.

You little, ungrateful pest, Thomas thought. A slap around the head would teach you manners.

Tommy wandered off sullenly. Then it finally struck Thomas. How could he have ignored the obvious for so long? Little Tommy wasn’t just the spitting image of him as a child in physical terms.

Thomas had to sit down. There he was, trying to deal with his nine-year-old self. Again. His silent mood swings and not knowing where they came from or what caused them. All that unwanted concern from his parents when, really, what he needed was just being left alone for a while. The shame afterwards and the feelings of ridicule.

Thomas was amazed at how the manufacturer had succeeded in simulating it so well. No doubt, they must have called upon his parents’ input when they had modelled Tommy’s software. But what’s the bloody point of keeping in all the bratty bits? Were they posthumously trying to punish him or something, he wondered. He turned away angrily and refused to reflect on it any further.


Four years after Thomas’s adoption of Tommy, a representative of Schlesinger Industries contacted him. The woman offered him a free software upgrade.

‘Based on little Tommy’s interactions of the past four years, Schlesinger Industries’ unique algorithm will allow for certain behavioural adjustments so that little Tommy will soon graduate to the conduct of a real thirteen-year-old. As such, Schlesinger Industries wants to demonstrate its ongoing commitment to its customers.’

‘Naturally,’ Thomas replied. He waited for the catch.

‘What is more, we offer a body evolution adjustment at a heavily discounted price so that little Tommy will not only behave his age but also look the part. Without any obligations, of course.’

‘Of course,’ Thomas said and briefly managed a puny smile.

He pondered what would benefit them most. He had already succeeded to adjust himself to Tommy’s irrational behaviour. On the other hand, might the company’s updated algorithm alleviate Tommy’s confusion? And if not, was there anything else he could attempt to make the boy happier? If the algorithm was calculated upon Thomas’s own history, then he already knew any of his attempts would be in vain. Still, an upgrade of Tommy’s software and body would likely impress the solicitor and convince her of his diligence. He thought it over and couldn’t find any arguments against.

‘All right then, I’ll take the upgrades,’ he said.

When Tommy returned from servicing, he looked the quintessential teenager, with ears grown out of proportion and pimples studding his face. ‘Little Tommy’ became just ‘Tommy’ and Cecilia had to be re-programmed into not calling him sweetheart any longer since Tommy now hated it, especially in front of his friends.

Tommy’s teenage years brought new challenges. It didn’t take long before Thomas was called in by the police to explain why his son had vandalised the book museum with graffiti. It cost him seventy-five Bitcoins to have it all cleaned up. And then there was that call by none other than the school director himself, warning Thomas that Tommy had been caught in ‘inappropriate physical behaviour’ with another boy.

Inappropriate behaviour? Thomas thought. The only time he, as a teenager, had been called in by the school director, he remembered, was because he had defended himself in a brawl against one of his bullies – and lost. They had expelled him for a week after falsely accusing him of having started the fight. His parents had sided with the director and the unfair treatment had dislodged such a deep-rooted anger in him, he had sworn he’d never allow himself to be humiliated like that again. He wondered now if Tommy was going through the same ordeal.

But the telling look on the director’s face made clear he was referring to physical contact of a sexual nature. Thomas was puzzled. That was quite inconsistent with his own personal history. Could it be that the hacker’s tampering a few years ago had messed up Tommy’s algorithm after all?

Thomas felt like telling the director it was none of his business. Instead, he reminded himself how much effort it had taken him to find a new school for Tommy.

‘I’ll see to it that the issue will be dealt with,’ he assured him.

But when he returned home that day, his resolve had already turned into dread.

‘Tommy?’ he began reluctantly. He wasn’t very good at this.

Tommy didn’t answer.

‘Is there something you might want to tell me?’

Tommy glanced at Thomas who flashed him a hesitant smile, but Tommy quickly broke eye contact. ‘No,’ he snapped. ‘I’m fine!’

Thomas took a deep breath. He didn’t want Tommy to end up as angry as he had been at the time.

‘Listen, I know what’s happened and it’s not the end of the world, but there’s something you need to understand.’

‘Understand? About what? You control me! Designer controls me! And me I can only obey! What is left for me to understand? If anyone has to change than it is you,’ Tommy shouted and ran to his room.

The reaction of his troubled son made clear there was no discussion to be had. Perhaps Tommy would manage to find out by himself, Thomas thought. After all, had he also not found out on his own back then? But how could he be sure the experiences of his teenage past were still driving Tommy’s algorithm?

The incident forced Thomas to consider his own personal situation. Ever since he had started to sleep with Cecilia, his secret bouts with Wendy had become increasingly rare until they had died down completely. What at first had been born out of necessity, sex with Cecilia had slowly grown into something he actually looked forward to. Through trial and error Thomas had found out that, eventually, Cecilia was capable of performing at the same level as Wendy. But what Cecilia had, and Wendy not, was sophisticated empathy software which resulted in an unexpectedly natural experience that Thomas had never achieved in any of his relationships. To his surprise, he now could confide his physical insecurities to his partner without fear of being judged. But a certain fear of how he might still judge himself remained trapped beneath the surface.


Another four years had passed and one by one the months prior to Tommy’s seventeenth birthday were ticked off. The closer the date approached, the more Thomas became restive. It had been at that age that he himself had run away from home. Now, at fifty-two, he wondered whether the special algorithm on which Schlesinger Industries prided itself so much, was pushing Tommy towards a similar desire. Judging from Tommy’s unpredictable behaviour over the past few years, it could swing both ways. But if it did alienate Tommy, what could he do to avoid it? It surely would mean a premature end to the monthly inheritance payments. And after eight years of financial comfort he was unwilling to forsake what was left. So it was that Thomas vowed to do the impossible to humour his teenage son.

‘I hate it!’ Tommy shouted.

‘Well, thanks. How do you think that makes me feel?’ Thomas said.

‘Honey, are you sure there’s nothing you can do about it?’ Cecilia asked Thomas, trying to mediate. She was very well programmed that way.

‘Of course he can but he doesn’t want to spend the money!’ Tommy accused Thomas.

‘Shouting is not going to help, you know,’ Thomas said.

‘I’m not shouting!’

‘Tommy, daddy and I will think about it, okay? Now go and do your homework.’

Tommy walked off in a huff. They had been discussing his new body evolution adjustment which was due soon. According to the sales hologram that Schlesinger Industries had mailed to them, Tommy would turn into a spitting image of Thomas, only with more hair and less fat, and Tommy absolutely loathed the idea. He would become the laughingstock of his class. Instead he wanted a complete body overhaul for his birthday, to make him look like Trevor Trendy from Bot Idol.

‘It’s too expensive,’ Thomas decided.

‘But honey, we could at least enquire about it, couldn’t we?’

‘Fine,’ Thomas said and snatched the phone. With quick, impatient fingers he pressed a number. Seconds later he was talking to the sales representative of Schlesinger Industries.

‘We do have a monthly payment plan,’ she tried to reassure Thomas after disclosing to him what it would cost to craft an entirely new body for Tommy.

‘Would you like me to send you a hologram?’

‘No, that won’t be necessary, thank you,’ Thomas said and hung up. The cost of Tommy’s new body would amount to nearly double of the remainder of the inheritance. Moreover, it still offered no guarantee against Tommy running off.

Thomas plunked down in the sofa. He bent forward to pick up a delicate object from the coffee table. It was a three-dimensional representation of a mathematical concept, resulting in a complex but harmonious structure that appeared impossible to the human eye. Thomas regarded it as his best work of art yet. He contemplated it for a moment, sighed and gently placed it back. For eight years he had found himself perpetually on the verge of a breakthrough. To the outside world, his attempts at now and then creating a new piece might seem as if he was still chasing the dream of public recognition. But his spirit had already capitulated few years ago. All that was left was to feign happiness by pursuing a lifestyle envied by the less moneyed in this world.

He stood up and went upstairs to Tommy’s room.

He quietly opened the door and found Tommy sitting on his bed playing his console. Thomas noticed that his son’s choice of avatar was Trevor Trendy. He sighed again and seated himself next to him. Eventually he said, ‘It’s not about the money, you know.’

‘Oh no?’ Tommy scoffed. He continued to play without looking up. ‘It’s because it’s only about my body, isn’t it?’

Then, without thinking, Thomas blurted out, ‘Young man! How can you want people to accept you for whom you are if you don’t first accept yourself? Show some bloody courage!’

They both remained still, two pairs of eyes glued to the floor. Thomas’s heart was throbbing. His outburst, and the truth his own words had exposed, had put him off balance. Suddenly he rose and left the room.

Downstairs he poured himself a double whiskey. A cataract of thoughts cascaded through him. Memories of how, as a seventeen-year-old, he too had resented the likeness between him and his father. Not only because it had seriously challenged his adoption theory, but more so because of mundane, aesthetic reasons. At the time, there was nothing that could have alleviated the distress generated by his teenage physique. It didn’t bode very well for how Tommy was going to deal with it.

Tommy didn’t deal with it at all. A week after his seventeenth birthday, he ran off without a trace. There was no explanation or note, not even an accusation. Thomas’s long, heated phone call with the solicitor didn’t yield anything positive. On the contrary, not only was he contractually not allowed to try and track Tommy down; the monthly payments were suspended with immediate effect and that was the end of it – no more inheritance money.

Over the next few weeks Thomas tried to come to terms with the sudden changes in his everyday life. Now that Tommy had gone, there was no real requirement to keep Cecilia. He had managed to save quite a sum of money and he could easily afford himself a newer and more attractive partnerbot. But he decided to keep her. It was that reassuring familiarity especially that he so much needed, now more than ever. Yet, he and Cecilia struggled to keep their conversations alive. A lot of their day-to-day interactions had revolved around Tommy – handling his little moods, discussing the friends he hung out with, attending his stilted but somehow funny performance in the school’s end-of-term play.

‘Haven’t I done my utmost to accept him?’ Thomas complained. His eyes had moistened.

‘Yes, honey, you have,’ Cecilia said, ‘but sometimes even one’s very best is not enough.’

Thomas fell silent. Even at fifty-two he still struggled with his lifelong anxiety. Perhaps, unconsciously, he had hoped that Tommy could have succeeded where he had failed. But now it seemed they both were hard-wired. If only I had an algorithm too that could be hacked into, he thought. Then at least I could pay someone to try and fix me.

Cecilia discreetly drew near and settled down next to him, one arm draped around his shoulder.

‘Sometimes,’ she whispered, ‘you just have to accept life for what it is.’

She pulled him closer and increased her body temperature with a couple of degrees to provide him with that extra bit of comfort.

‘Certain things in life can never be explained,’ she continued.

She was lying of course. As a bot she believed in science and was convinced that absolutely everything was explicable. But she knew what Thomas needed to hear.

Without making a sound, Thomas stood up and walked to a chest of drawers. He carefully opened the bottom one and, lifting a stack of old winter clothes, rested his eyes on an aged, framed picture of his parents that lay buried underneath. He wondered if they too might have wished for something different in life, something more perfect. He had never asked them. Thomas quietly picked up the frame and displayed it on the chest.

He turned and went back to the sofa where he sat down again. Then he wondered if one day Tommy might return. Show up again, just like that. But Thomas already knew the answer.

Tink

Pru didn’t remember when she’d first picked up her needles. It was around the time she’d married Tom. But she couldn’t remember that very first day, how clumsy she’d felt, then an instant calm flooding over her body. Tom disparaged it from the start. He called it fusty, a pastime of another era. The female lawyers he worked with didn’t knit. They didn’t have time. But it was Tom’s idea that Pru should stay home, in that giant behemoth of a Tudor house. Pru was on board in the beginning. She wanted to have a bevy of children. She didn’t see motherhood as settling down. It would be clamorous and uncertain, like planting a garden with unknown seeds. You never knew what you were going to get.

What she’d gotten was a house without any children, after thirty years of marriage to Tom. Pru thought of it often, like she’d missed something, dropped a stitch in her knitting, or forgotten to lock the house in the morning. It slipped into her day like a fog rolling in. I filled the gas tank, but didn’t reproduce. When she thought of it, she reached for her needles. Pru always had a project at hand. She made sweaters for friends and blankets for their children. She made hats and gloves and tablecloths and socks. She was currently at work on a futile scarf, too long for any normal neck. Piled up on the passenger’s seat of her car, it was now the length of a stretch of highway.

But she couldn’t stop knitting. The act was encoded into her fingers.

This afternoon, Pru was on her way to Tink, her favorite knitting store, to pick up some extra circular needles. She didn’t need them. Her attic was filled with a glut of supplies, skeins of multi-colored yarn, stitch counters set with mother of pearl. But she’d felt the need to get out of the house. The place was like a giant net, ensnaring Pru in unbreakable fibers. Even with the help, it was a full time job, expelling dust like a fluttering moth. Lightbulbs were always burning out, pieces of wood falling off the facade. She imagined raising kids had nothing on the Tudor. She’d said as much to Tom, when he signed the deed. It was only two years into their marriage, and Tom was already on the partner track. She said the place was too massive and old. But Tom had insisted. He wanted a house that looked imposing from the street, that gave off the air of a medieval fortress.

Pru pulled her car into the parking lot. It was one of those frozen days when the little town felt like the surface of the moon. No one milled about. The shops were open but exuded no light. As Pru locked her car, she looked forward to Tink. The place was a hearth, the definition of cozy, small and low ceilinged, a wood-burning fireplace lit in the winter. If the Tudor spit her out, then Tink drew her in. There was always a circle of knitters inside, chattering away as they clacked their needles. The sound was organic, like an arrhythmic heart. When Pru walked in, the knitters would turn. “Prudence,” they’d say, in one booming voice, “we’ve been waiting for you,” as if her body completed their circle.

But today, the door was double locked, a handwritten sign reading “Closed For Inventory.” Pru felt a sinking feeling in her stomach. She milled around the parking lot, facing the gaping hole in her day. Where to go and what to do? Her shoulder had been hurting, so she couldn’t play tennis. And the sun was too high for the grocery store. She liked to shop when the sun was low, when the lines were long, and she had to duck around the people. It put a crimp in the fabric of her day. She did this sometimes in her knitting, weaving mistakes into her projects. She’d read somewhere how Navajo women would weave imperfections into their blankets, a crack for the weaver’s soul to escape. They called this the “spirit path.” Without the crack, her soul would get trapped inside the fabric.

Pru climbed into her car and pulled out of the lot. She didn’t know where she was going, which felt both wrong and exhilarating. Maybe she would just keep on driving. She’d listened to a podcast about a woman who had done that, just got in her car and drove out to Seattle. Six months later, her husband got a postcard from Mt. Rainier. The woman didn’t write a note, but the text on the card read, “Washington Rocks.”

Pru and Tom didn’t travel much. When they did, it was to one of Tom’s legal conventions. They’d stay at five-star resorts in places like Denver. But they never left the States. And that was fine with Pru. She’d never sat right with prescribed bouts of leisure. She had been an overachieving child, graduating first in all of her classes, earning her masters by twenty-three. When she met Tom, her plan was to go for her PhD. She’d study and teach until they started a family.

But after five years of marriage, Tom had confessed, he wasn’t sure that he wanted children. He didn’t mind them as people. He always enjoyed the ones that he met, when they were the issue of others. But he wasn’t sure that he wanted to make them, when things seemed fine enough as they were. Marriage made sense because you pooled your resources, husband and wife and a house to upkeep. But children drained them. And the biological imperative was dead. The Earth was already too overcrowded.

The truth hit Pru like a wave of exhaust. His cerebral argument was generally flawed. They had plenty of money to raise plenty of children. And if he’d done his research, he’d know that the global birthrate was down. Who cared if China was overcrowded. They weren’t raising a child in Beijing. She called him selfish, accusing him of not wanting to share her. But if anything cured selfishness, then it was children. She’d seen it happen, amongst the husbands of her dearest friends, and several of them had been obstinate cases.

Tom assured her they’d finish the conversation. He said they made a terrific team. There wasn’t an issue they couldn’t resolve, when they put their heads together. They’d figure it out—not today, or even this year, but eventually. He said all he needed was a bit of time. Then they would come to a resolution. And that, Pru thought, was nature’s cruel trick. Men need time, and women don’t have it.

He held the conversation out like a carrot, never giving Pru the one thing she needed—the simple “no” that would free her from hope.

In the end, she stayed for a number of reasons—primarily that Tom was a very good husband. True, he was a workaholic, but he was kind to Pru and they seldom fought. They “fit,” Tom said, and “made good sense.” That wasn’t exactly how he’d proposed, but it wasn’t far off. It was Pru’s father who introduced them, when Tom was an associate at his firm. Her father called Tom “a superlative egg.” And in truth, he was. “Handsome,” “smart,” “going all kinds of places.” Tom wore these labels like pins on his suit. Their marriage, as all, was a contract of sorts. But they’d never bothered to work out terms. Tom thought Pru would make a very good wife. And Pru thought Tom would make a very good father.

And now, at fifty-five, Pru’s life with Tom was a facile pattern, a piece of tracing paper with lines. She knew exactly what each day would bring. Drinks at the club. A charity for every season. And the bumps in her day—the long lines and inclement weather, the sore arm she nursed from over-practicing her serve—were welcome hurdles that staved off boredom. And there was her knitting, of course, a constant series of challenges. It was far from fusty, despite what Tom said. It was unsettling and uncertain, a practice fraught with expectations of failure, as any other act of creation.

Driving slowly down the ice-splattered road, Pru felt an urge to snap the wheel, quick and sharp. What would happen, she wondered, if I got into a wreck? Nothing major, just the kind that came with some scrapes and bruises. She imagined Tom by her hospital bed, the worried look of his handsome features. They were both of them aging what most would call well: few wrinkles, no furrows that Pru thought of as parenting lines. Tom would put his hand on the small of her back. “Of course I’m here,” he’d say, and lean down to kiss her. “Where else would I be?” He’d let his lips linger on the brim of her forehead. “Dear Prudence,” he’d call her, a pet name he hadn’t used in years.

Pru shook her head in the empty car. She didn’t know if Tom would come for something as small as a fender bender. He might send Pam, his secretary, with a handful of flowers as he did on her birthday. Pru liked Pam, a middle-aged woman with a gummy grin. She was the kind of secretary you wanted for your husband, past her prime, her bottom spread out to fit the seat of her chair. But when Pam did this part of her job, filling in when Tom was remiss as a husband, Pru hated her like an insidious threat, a mole implanted at the core of her marriage.

She reached into her bag on the passenger seat, pulling out the tail of the futile scarf. She kept on pulling, and the scarf kept coming. It was a lovely color, a marled red with flecks of pale blue. She was still driving, so the next part was tricky, but she managed to unthread the scarf from the needles. Now the scarf was a vulnerable thing, a ball of yarn on one end, and a row of unbound stitches on the other. This was the point of the open wound, susceptible to the slightest of tugs. Pru tossed the ball of yarn out the window, and the scarf began to unravel on the seat.

She watched it unwind with a feeling of correction.

She continued through the streets of the town, leaving a tail of clotted red yarn. She checked here and there in the rearview mirror. It looked like a trail of blood in the snow. The scarf on the seat was getting smaller. She had a momentary thought to stop the car, and salvage what was left of her work. Whittled down, it was the perfect size for Tom. If she drove another block, it would fit her own neck, or she could give it to one of her friends.

But she kept on driving. It was thrilling, knowing that something was about to be lost, and she wasn’t doing a thing to save it. Sometimes it wasn’t just one mistake, but the whole endeavor that she’d have to tink.

When she arrived home, she carried the remainder of the scarf to the door. It continued to unravel, a mess of yarn with entropic potential. She looked behind her, at the long red tail that curled down the street, like the gutted entrails of some ancient serpent. Her friend once took her to a storefront shaman. She wasn’t a real shaman, just a former hippie who’d read enough books. She had a cute little shop on the same street as Tink, where she mainly sold crystals to the local housewives. They thought it would be fun, while their husbands sat at the club over bourbon. They paid the hippie a handful of dollars for an index card full of laminated chants. Then the hippie read their spirit totems. Pru’s friend was an owl, which meant that she could sniff out deceit. And Pru was a snake. She was pleased to learn it only meant she was resilient, like a ship that stays afloat in a storm. It also meant she was a natural healer.

Pru hadn’t thought of that visit in years. But as she dragged the scarf up the steps of the Tudor, she remembered something else the hippie had said, that snakes are harbingers of transformation.

When she entered the house, Pru was hit with the smell, a cloying mix of roses and Ajax. Pru hated cut flowers, though she still instructed the maid to replace them. It was something you did in a house with a foyer. But Pru thought it pointless. Even in bloom, the poor things were dying, life leaking out through a gash in the stem. Pru wound the yarn around the vines of the roses, and continued to make her way through the Tudor.

She stopped in the kitchen, winding some yarn around the waffle iron, coffee maker, juicer and kettle, then the iron pots hung from hooks on the ceiling. By the time she was done, the kitchen was strung in a web of red veins. The place looked alive for the first time in years. She did the same in Tom’s office, winding yarn around his stapler and blotter, then twisting a loop around the base of his chair. Then she handled the bathroom and guest room. She didn’t descend into the basement. The last person down there was the man who came to read the water meter. It was nothing but a gaping hole, with concrete walls and a vinyl floor, an ulcer in the belly of the Tudor.

She went upstairs, to the bedroom first. There she only wound the yarn around the pillows, hers and Tom’s. Then she climbed the pull-down steps to the attic.

This was Pru’s place. She had a system for keeping it in order. She kept her patterns in clear plastic boxes, and her yarn in color-coded rows. Her needles were lined up like surgical tools, atop an old mahogany dresser. She liked to lay them out so she could see them. When things were put away, they were easily lost. That’s one of the things she despised about the Tudor. It had so much storage space, so many hidden rooms and compartments. It made the place feel even more vacant.

But the attic was alive, packed with the energy of potential. If the basement was the gut, then the attic was the heart. Pru saw it as a kind of laboratory, filled with her experiments, some failed, some successful. There were pieces she’d made for disfigured bodies, shirts with three arms, an opening too small to pass a head. There were fair isles sweaters that had won her competitions. Pru hung them all together on a rack. It helped her to remember—it is only failure that makes success so potent.

The scarf was now completely unwound. Pru grasped the tip of the tail in her fingers, and sat herself down on a pile of patterns. If she listened closely, she could hear the termites biting through the rafters. The house was so old it was rotting like teeth. And Tom’s desire to bolster it—to pay gobs of money to renew old systems and excavate decay—was life support for a terminal heap. If Tom stopped to think, he might see that the Tudor was a drain on their resources. Children would have done the opposite, ensuring their renewal, expanding them beyond their own walls.

Children spilled you over the world like a mist.

Pru closed her eyes and lay back on the patterns, thinking of the unmade things beneath her, a mother hen roosting on an empty nest. It wasn’t that she needed children. She had wanted them, of course. But she had plenty of things that brought meaning to her life. Her parents for one—still thriving, still traveling the world well into old age. She gave money and time to philanthropic causes. Pru was the defender of many things: books, art, people battling diseases. She’d even adopted a child in Peru. They’d never met, but he sent her letters, photocopied onto letterhead. Gracias por darme mi vida. Thank you for giving me my life. He called her Mi Salvador, my savior.

The thing was, her body was retaliating: with the hot flashes, the night sweats, the constant need to drink buckets of water. She felt herself drying up like a well. Even her skin had begun to scale, just like the skin of her spirit serpent. It was a constant reminder, that the conversation with Tom was complete. Pru wasn’t in the business of self-defeat. She’d come to accept her own fault in the matter, all the waiting and hoping she’d done.

But she found it upsetting, that Tom had said he didn’t want any children, then saddled her with a house to replace them.

Pru opened a box marked Notions N’ Things. She reached inside and found the lighter, the one she used to burn raveling. She placed the yarn on the floor and lit it on fire.

It burned like a snake consuming its tail. And as Pru watched it go, she imagined the Tudor exploding in flames, the roof shingles peeling away like ash, the chimney spewing out black plumes of bile. She saw herself on the scorched front lawn, huddled together with her friends from Tink. They descended on her like a gaggle of mothers. “You couldn’t have saved him,” they’d say about Tom, in one booming voice. “If you’d have tried, we might have lost our Pru.” And they really couldn’t stand to lose her, they’d chime. Her body was the closing link in their circle.

She sat back down on the pile of patterns, watching the yarn melt like wax by her feet. The fire was slow, but it was picking up. She remembered the first night they spent in the Tudor. Tom had tried to start a fire, but the logs were rain soaked, and they’d slept that night on the living room couch, bound together, laughing and kissing and then making love. After that, they didn’t need a fire. She remembered too the nights Tom was sick, or she was, and they’d nursed each other back to full health, bringing in soup and magazines, resting their heads on the other’s shoulder. And then there was the day that Tom lost his dad, how he’d clung to Pru, like a child in need of a mothering hand.

She saw each of these things, and then saw them burn.

Pru got up fast, her body light, like she’d molted that dried-out layer of skin. Then she stomped on the fire until it was out. She picked up the charred end of the remaining yarn and began to wrap it around her fist as she descended the pull-down steps to the attic. She retraced her path through the empty house, unwinding the yarn from the bedroom pillows, the bathroom faucet, and the stapler and blotter in Tom’s home office. Then she freed the odds and ends in the kitchen. She had trouble untangling the yarn from the roses, and broke the vase in a spray of glass. She left the mess in the doorway and went outside.

The tail of the yarn still wound down the street. She wondered what people were thinking in town, what Tom would think as he drove home from work, when he realized the yarn led back to the Tudor. She saw a flash of Tom in the driveway. He was sitting in his car, afraid to get out, staring at the remains of his house.

The sun was setting, the perfect time for the grocery store. Pru thought she’d make something warm and hearty, like a winter stew and a rack of lamb. As she headed inside, she was glad for the house, that it stood in all its faded glory.

She’d never felt a thing for the heap until then, remembering all that was lost in the fire.