April Literary Horoscopes
Words By Alyssa Jordan, Art By Joana Coccarelli
The Ram / Courageous, Adventurous, Independent / Domineering, Selfish, Arrogant
Finally, it’s Aries season! Feed your extroverted side with some dazzling friend dates. Organize some virtual movie dates, go to a posh Google hangout. Honestly, the sky’s the limit. It’s your time to shine, and shine you will, you delightful ball of sugar and everything nice.
Of course, I have just the story pick for you.
- Glimmers, by Sarah Yost
- Teaser: “She’d always noticed the shadows at the corner of her eye, the glimmers of light that didn’t belong. It was her favorite game to pretend she was the focus of some Otherness, but only a game.”
The Bull / Loyal, Friendly, Resourceful / Self-Indulgent, Possessive, Greedy
These last few months have been fun but tiring for you, with all those dates and good—ahem. Anyway, be sure to kick your feet up in April. Take some time to really treat yourself. That could mean online retail therapy, creating a home spa, or watching good ol’ fashion Netflix.
You could also indulge with a lovely story:
- The Formation of Hurricanes, by Tori Rego
- Teaser: “Their insistence was so wild it would have been an echo if there had been anyone to hear—if there had been any ears to register their reverberations, or any eyelashes to flicker against the pulsing of their not-yet-breath.”
The Twins / Intelligent, Adaptable, Creative / Moody, Opportunistic, Inconsistent
April will be quiet as a mouse for you and your other personalities. Change won’t hit you—uh, I mean you and the others—till the early days of May. You probably want to know if that Mack truck is good or bad news. Because I’m feeling charitable, I can tell you it’s the kind of change that is both good and bad (I’m winking, if you can’t tell).
You can always distract yourself with some good reads!
- Termite Walks Into a Bar, by Chris Belden
- Teaser: “The other women had come out a little dazed, yes, maybe walking a bit slowly, but no one cried like this. Some had been alone, had walked out from the back rooms and headed toward the door as if they’d just had their teeth cleaned.”
The Crab / Honest, Generous, Faithful / Insecure, Needy, Crabby
Don’t worry about any gossip you might hear in social circles. After all, you’re fluent in Mom sarcasm and drink tears for breakfast. Plus, you’ll be rewarded for good behavior around the height of the month. Not only will you have a week of creative breakthroughs, but that flirtation with your favorite coworker just might turn into the best Skype date ever.
After you’re video-call ready, pull up this incredible story pick:
- Raising Wings, by Lucy Zhang
- Teaser: “It happened slowly at first. Slits tracing shoulder blades down a pale canvas back, blood trickling like paint from an over-saturated watercolor brush. Feathers and bone and cartilage poking their way through the epidermis.”
The Lion / Cheery, Noble, Imaginative / Demanding, Boastful, Melodramatic
Obstacles are stacking like boxes in your professional life. Work off your frustration with some new fitness goals and, you guessed it, new workout clothes! That’s right, it’s time to bust out the lemon-yellow spandex and exercise videos. There might be a few more clouds on the horizon, but no need to worry about them. Yet.
Anyway! Save this gorgeous piece for a well-deserved treat.
- The Study and Practice of Astral Projection, by Lesley Bannatyne
- Teaser: “At night, alone in her makeshift room on the sun porch, Cassie took out The Study and Practice of Astral Projection. Dream body, she read, was you, but only part of you, the part that was pure.”
The Maiden / Practical, Diligent, Kind / Obsessive, Self-Righteous, Compulsive
Good news, Virgo! You should be a magnet for monetary goodness this month. Toward the middle of April, you’ll also find two new friends in your orbit. Enjoy some hot and heavy courting of the platonic and remote variety. It sounds like a thrill a minute!
In the meantime, I’m predicting you’ll fall in love with this monthly read:
- A Gay Bar Disappears in the Rain, by Justin Karcher
- Teaser: “I need to catch a cold, because I have a funeral later this week. And I’m known around town as a great mourner. But I’m not really. I always get deliberately sick a couple days before the big shindig.”
The Scales / Compassionate, Trustworthy, Peacemaker / Disorganized, Materialistic, Indecisive
This month, you might become a tad disappointed with your family. Try to remember that they’re only human. The other areas of your life will be smooth sailing without a storm cloud in sight. I can’t say the same for May, but let’s save those pesky worries for next month.
Your monthly story pick will make you want to seize the moment, and really live—it’s never too late.
- Space Tears, by Lora Kilpatrick
- Teaser: “Atomic explosions are beautiful from outer space. There’s a bright, searing flash then a bulbous growth of angry clouds that flatten out like Portobello mushrooms.”
The Scorpion / Purposeful, Charismatic, Cunning / Aggressive, Manipulative, Possessive
February and March were all about embracing your marshmallow center. Think of April as “opposite day,” so put on that game face you usually wear, and prepare for a few anvils in your professional and personal life. Sorry to break it to you!
When you do take a breather, recover with this story pick:
- The Woman Who Grew Gills, by Wendy Elizabeth Wallace
- Teaser: “Two weeks after the man moved in with the woman, the woman began to grow gills. They hurt coming in, like the pain of an emerging tooth. She hid her neck with scarves at first, partly because she didn’t want the man to see and partly because she didn’t want to.”
The Archer / Straightforward, Optimistic, Adventurous / Careless, Impatient, Hotheaded
Guess what, Sagittarius? A cutesy romance could be yours! Look for it around the end of the month, when you’ll be your best outgoing-even-while-virtual-self. But try to keep the chaos to a minimum, at least until the second Skype date (or the end of the first one).
In the meantime, I have a mesmerizing story for you:
- Little Knife, by Candace Hartsuyker
- Teaser: “Deep in the bowels of the circus tent, the air is sage and sweetgrass. A bundle of snapdragon pods lie on the table, faces like skulls. The hermaphrodite gives me tea laced with rum in a teacup that has no handle.”
The Mountain Sea-Goat / Traditional, Responsible, Ambitious / Unforgiving, Blunt, Pessimistic
Oh, Capricorn. February and March may have been months of boredom, but April will be pedal to the metal. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, though; you’ll be the recipient of a rare opportunity at the height of the month.
Be true to your nature—a.k.a. you responsible sea goat, you—and enjoy this amazing story along the way:
- Company, by Shannon Sanders
- Teaser: “This house was too small for six people, woefully so, but it’s too big for one; the empty rooms fill up with spirits. My father’s parents, who built the place from loam in the forties, turn up in the kitchen every so often to tut about the oven mitts I leave on the countertops.”
The Water-Bearer / Intellectual, Open-Minded, Outgoing / Unpredictable, Self-Conscious, Chaotic
While you can handle Negative Nancies like a pro, you should still watch your step around the workplace. This month, avoid pesky things like your coworker’s three-hour video chats, your coworker’s questionable meeting invites; really, anything related to your coworker—avoid that.
Check out this story pick on your next lunch break. I can guarantee it will stay with you long after the first reading:
- Locker Room, by Sara Dobbie
- Teaser: “In this moment you don’t know yet that all this will remain with you, will become ingrained in you. That years from now you’ll wake up in your bed, skin glazed with perspiration, gasping and confused, with an impression of nakedness and shame.”
The Fish / Charitable, Intuitive, Artistic / Timid, Impractical, Indolent
Last month, you found the peanut butter to your jelly. The mac to your cheese. The cherry to your sundae (okay, I’m done). Now it’s time for a little spring fever, which means you’ll need to make a change. Let your adventurous spirit go wild—but not too wild, come on now—and follow that dust-beaten path wherever it takes you.
Before you hit the road, check out your monthly story pick.
- Nothing Grows at the Sunflower Motel, by L Mari Harris
- Teaser: “We test every door knob, give them a little twist. When we find an unlocked door, we slide in, palm the loose change by the TV, slip a couple of smokes from the open pack, and slide back out.“